In this episode of the WANTcast, one of our listeners asked to hear about how to make (and keep!) life goals that are realistic and are actually right for you, not just what looks or sounds good or “right.”
What’s right for one person isn’t necessarily right for another – and what’s unrealistic to one person might be more attainable for you than you think.
Some questions to ask yourself, some red flags to look out for, how to figure out goals that work for you, and yes – how to actually go about ACHIEVING them (no bs here, folks).
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Today’s sponsor is S.W. Basics! This all-natural skincare brand is one of THE. BEST. in the biz – and every single product contains a grand total for five ingredients or less. They’re all about simplicity, sustainability, and super-inclusion – no skin-shaming allowed. I’m currently OBSESSED (seriously.) with their new hydrosols aka floral waters, especially the Lavender and Orange Blossom ones. Use code WANT at checkout for 15% off your order at swbasicsofbk.com…and then thank me later.
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Ever felt like you’re being creative for everyone BUT yourself? Wondered if something is a sign, or just a sheer coincidence? Just wanted someone to tell you to take the leap, even though you don’t know for SURE what you’re leaping into?
In this episode we talk about getting out from behind the shadows as a creative, how to know when you’re on the right track, how to distinguish between signs from the universe and stories youre fabricating, how to know when fear is leading the way, making a living through creativity and the many ways that can manifest, what it means and looks like to live out your truth, and so much more.
If you’ve been waiting for a sign – then maybe this episode is it.
Our sponsor this week isFranklin and Whitman, an all-natural, plant based, cruelty free skincare line with a mission to make your skin AND the world a better, kinder place. Frank + Whit donates 5% of all sales to various rescue dog organizations. Try some of my favorites – their Cleansing Serum, their Oak Lane face mask, their dry shampoo – and more. Be sure to use the code WANT at checkout for 20% off your entire order atfranklinandwhitman.com.
Reframing and reworking jealousy has been a GAME CHANGER for me. I’m highly sensitive, so jealousy isn’t just wanting what I don’t have: it’s also feeling BAD about wanting it, feeling GUILTY for spending time wanting it, and feeling like a lame person for focusing on it instead of focusing on “uplifting others.” It sends me into a shame spiral, and I don’t get anything done when I’m in a shame spiral.
There’ a saying that goes “Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.” And it’s true: without a sense of control over your own jealousy, it pushes people away, squelches opportunity, and is one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage.
Yet learning to harness your jealousy can actually inform you of an important missing link, the most important element in any relationship.
On today’s episode, I’m going to share a few strategies that have worked for me. Find yourself prey to your own jealous mind? Here’s what to do.
Our sponsor this week is Franklin and Whitman, an all-natural, plant based, cruelty free skincare line with a mission to make your skin AND the world a better, kinder place. Frank + Whit donates 5% of all sales to various rescue dog organizations. Try some of my favorites – their Cleansing Serum, their Oak Lane face mask, their dry shampoo – and more. Be sure to use the code WANT at checkout for 20% off your entire order at franklinandwhitman.com.
My first big meltdown when I moved to New York City two years ago wasn’t upon touchdown or our first night in an empty apartment. It wasn’t because someone was rude to me, or I lost my way, or I missed a subway stop or four.
Nope. It was in the gym locker room.
I remember that first week so clearly: the champagne buzz I felt from the newness, the novelty of being able to get anything.you.want.at.all. delivered to your apartment instead of having to lug it home in bags that cut off circulation in your fingertips. The way you could be walking, skipping, singing, sobbing down the street and people accepted you like whatever you were doing was a part of the flow. The waking up early just because we were so excited to experience the morning. I remember so clearly. It was love at first footstep.
And then I lost it. I mean, I knew it was coming at some point – I definitely cried my second night, mostly out of sheer exhaustion – but I didn’t expect that my anticipated feelings of shock, overwhelm, and longing would show their sad faces in the women’s locker room on Greenwich Avenue after I made a corny joke to a stranger thrice my age and she genuinely giggled back.
My gym had been my safe haven in LA, and LA had been my safe haven in my life. Having grown up visiting the City That Never Sleeps on a regular basis but living in the City That Sleeps In Then Goes On A Hike my entire life, I was very familiar with New York but not enveloped in her. It wasn’t just my immediate neighborhood that I felt protected by in LA; it was EVERYTHING. The street signs, the off-ramps. The familiar faces and the predictable reactions. The sunrises, the sunsets, and the days the ocean-fog took over the whole sky so you couldn’t tell when one finished and one began. I knew LA from birth. She WAS me.
I tried my best to recognize this when I lived there, but just like so many things, there is always some little important bit of a-ha that happens when you no longer have that thing you loved. For me, that a-ha came in a locker room when I realized how alone and unfamiliar I felt within my surroundings. How, while I valued anonymity, I also valued (and took for granted) my ability to CHOOSE it.
Humans are pack animals; we’re tribal. We’re not meant to wander the hills alone until we find a mate and then go back off again to raise and let go of our kin. Our brains are hard-wired for connection, and even the most introverted of us need to feel a sense of togetherness to truly thrive. It’s been proven by sciency people who are book-smarter than I am: loneliness leads to depression and is a huge indicator of how long you will live.
I’ve been watching and reading a lot of Brené Brown lately (you should be, too!), especially the interviews and articles surrounding her newest book, Braving The Wilderness. The book is all about belonging, and (no, this isn’t a spoiler) how “fitting in” is actually the exact OPPOSITE of belonging.
When I moved here, I wasn’t looking to fit in – I wasn’t interested in molding myself to fit the shape of someone or something else – but I was struck by how shaken my sense of belonging had become. And moreover, how much I tied my sense of belonging to other people RECEIVING me.
That’s why the older woman laughing at my lame-o offhand comment got me so choked up. That’s why I started to panic as I became new eyes on centuries-old surroundings. I felt unfamiliar. I felt routine-less. And the smallest things like seeing the same parking lot attendant I only thank-you’d and have-a-nice-day’d and gym members I never even spoke to and just silently awkward-nodded to while we grabbed adjacent dumbbells were things I didn’t expect to crave. I thought I was autonomous in LA and above all that neediness, but boy did I have myself fooled. I was dependent on other people to validate my experience.
The last couple years have brought more change to me than I thought possible: two apartments, two neighborhoods, a new job, multiple events, brand new soul-friends, marriage. And as I contemplate where I go from here, as I head closer and closer toward my thirty-second year, which I have ALWAYS felt in my gut holds something major for me (micro- or macro- major, who knows at this point), I think about how my sense of belonging has changed too – or maybe how it hasn’t. I am on the precipice of something big, but for the first time in a while I’m hesitant to take a much-needed step to fall and build my wings on the way down.
Brené says that we belong everywhere when we belong to ourselves. So if I belong everywhere, then why is it that I’m so tied to THIS sense of place? Maybe it’s for the same reason people stay in relationships that are fine but not GREAT, or stay in jobs that earn enough to live but don’t add enough to LIFE. Because I “know” this sense of belonging is secure IF I just do all the right things, and check off all the to-do boxes, and it’s a very external and define-able belonging. Predictability and ease. Mother-effers.
When I moved here, I felt placeless. I remember telling my friend Sarra that I felt freaked out by the amount of places I could go where I knew no one and no thing (Soak it in while you can, she said). I belonged to no one and no thing. I was trying to see where I fit, and tried on a lot for size. I don’t think I really knew how to belong to myself yet. That’s the cool thing about New York, though: it FORCES your identity out of you. The people who try to fight the force are the ones who have it hardest in life, but especially life in this city. But once you stop trying to fight your emerging identity – which is tough, because trying to fight it can sometimes FEEL like trying to find it – everything is magic.
I don’t think everyone is able to belong – or rather, find a sense of belonging – in NYC. You’ve got to be a little wild, a little crazy, and very comfortable getting uncomfortable, to even catch the first glimmers of it. That process and this city will kick your ass before you realize that your recovery is a part of your becoming. It will spook you, but your challenge is to never let it SCARE you. You’ve got to be next-level brave to become and belong – everywhere, but especially in this city that could care less whether you walk around anonymously and disconnected or full and enmeshed.
And now, I’ve found my way, and I’ve found my spaces. I have a “place.” Of course, I know that’s just a feeling and an illusion. And I wonder: is my newfound sense of place, coupled with my acute memory of what it’s like to NOT have one, keeping me in a new loop that doesn’t serve me? I think so; maybe. I’ve been here before, so I can recognize when I am here again.
The great thing, though, is that I know that I am my own and no one else’s, and that an external sense of place is fab but an internal one is fabber. If I know I’ll be okay no matter what, and I know I will be mine no matter what, then maybe, just maybe, I can start to take those steps that lead me to places I don’t know yet.
Two years ago I woke up for the first time as an NYC resident. I know it’s only been two years but I honestly can’t imagine waking up anywhere else.
Brené Brown says that true belonging only comes when you belong to yourself and yourself only, everywhere and nowhere.
Living here, I finally feel like I’ve found where I belong.
“I wake up every morning and say to myself, ‘Well, I’m still in New York. Thank you, God.” ― Ed Koch
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How many times throughout the week do we play the “If Only” game?Think: If only I had a higher budget, I could afford that apartment/car/clothing/etc. If only I had a tech team, I could crush the online game. If only I looked like that, I could avoid feeling like this. If Onlys hold us in a loop of constant longing; constantly believing that our happiness is way far out of reach.
Positive affirmations don’t cut it without a solid base to make them work. And for most of us, it’s marathon-level difficult to “affirmation” our way out of a feeling like worthlessness, shame, or lack that cuts super deep. If Onlys can get us feeling downer than down, and at their worst, stop us from taking any proactive action in our lives.
This episode is all about how to move PAST the If Onlys and get back on a proactive path that’s also pragmatic for where you are in this very moment.
This episode of the WANTcast is sponsored by FabFitFun, the seasonal subscription box that truly delivers. Use code WANT for $10 off your first box ($39.99, such a steal!) at http://www.fabfitfun.com
If you liked this show, make sure to sign up at womenagainstnegativetalk.com for weekly WANT tips, tools, and resources to shift around your negative self talk patterns. Be sure to subscribe in itunes and leave a five-star review if you’re feeling it, so that iTunes knows to get it into people’s ears AND so that future guests can get excited when I approach them to be on the pod. All that stuff helps the algorythms and goes a long way, plus, I love knowing what you’re enjoying and why, so I can give you more of it!
It’s very likely that if the thought of checking your bank account balance makes you break out in cold sweats, you’ve got quite a few people around you who are reinforcing this. Family, friends, coworkers, media personalities, Money Shame is everywhere. Just like Casual Negativity, money problems can be a way of bonding with others: commiserating over how expensive something is or how you really can’t afford such-and-such or UGH taxes amiright??
It can be a relief to know that you’re not alone…but it can also be damaging if you’re not devising a game plan to shift into a more positive and proactive reality. Here are some tools to break out of financial fears, shift into a rich mentality, and stay…shall we say…ACCOUNTABLE. Let’s talk about CENTS, baby. Or for a more current pop culture pun…LET’S MAKE MONEY MOVES!
*I really, really wanted to insert some sort of Cardi B audio into this episode. Ideally a clip of Bodak Yellow, which I admit I thought was called “Money Moves” up until about a month ago. Even a strategically placed “Okurrr” would have been fine by me. But that shit’s illegal…and maybe it’s just me, but I don’t feel like getting arrested over copywright infringement today. Thanks for understanding :)
If you liked this epiosde and everything WANT is throwing down, be sure to head on over to the site and SUBSCRIBE to The (GOOD) Word, WANT’s weekly email love letter where you’ll get all the posts and pods delivered directly to your email doorstep, plus first dibs on events, workshops, and the stuff I’m WANTing each week that I think you’ll love too. Also head on over to iTunes and subscribe, and leave some stars and a review to spread the WANTcast love, I apprecite it more than you know.