I Tell Myself Stories: The Need for Validation.

I Tell Myself Stories: The Need for Validation.

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What child is afraid of swing sets? This child was, that’s who.

I was afraid of the swings, I was afraid of the Big Slide, I didn’t venture into the “deep end” until I was seven years old. I stayed the fck away from the monkey bars, and I sure as hell wouldn’t play double-dutch jump rope because I knew without a DOUBT I’d be whipped in the face.

It’s not the failure per se, but the loss of control that frightened me. It was the idea of being suspended in the air, in the water, no top, no bottom, nothing holding me up but sheer momentum and no control of grounding.

Being caught in space. Indefinitely.

Control was my first frenemy. The first one who made me believe I was lost without her, when in fact I was most lost when in her smothering embrace.

When I had control, I looked for cracks in the surface.

Threats everywhere. I look for those out to do me wrong.

And when I had no control…when I was uncertain…I made up stories.

I see the fall. I see drowning. I see the spiral downward.

And I look for someone to save me.

Validation is what we crave when we’re unsure: of a moment, of our place, of ourselves. And seeking it out works in exactly the opposite way we want it to.

We plead for Yesses and get bogged down in our Tryings. We become so afraid, so unsure, SO self-conscious, that we hinder ourselves from moving forward, simply because we’re so scared of falling back. And so we do.

It’s frustrating as hell, but honestly, is it at all surprising? If our fear of falling short is the energy that we put out into the universe, why is it any wonder that we’re always feeling two steps behind?

Let’s not kid ourselves: it helps to be validated. Positive reinforcement…who wouldn’t eat that up? We want to know that we’re worthwhile; that we’re okay.

But when we actively seek validation, we’re being reactive instead of proactive. Our actions become an external comeback instead of an internal process.

When we actively seek validation, we're being reactive instead of proactive. Our actions become an external comeback instead of an internal process. Click To Tweet

We so desire to be loved and told we’re worthwhile, because at the heart of the matter, to feel ineffective is a frightening thing. And when we don’t receive validation – or receive the exact opposite, criticism – we start to tell ourselves stories in order to exert control. We say we’re doing things all wrong, we start to feel as if we have something to prove.

My question is this: Prove what?

We are alive. Here. In existence.

We are proven simply by existing.

 

We don’t need validation in order to be fully and wholly ourselves. That’s OUR job, not anyone else’s. It’s the stories that trap us. The stories of the flailing, the drowning, the stuck-ness in space. Will anyone love me if I fall? Will I be good enough even if no one else says it out loud? If I can’t see it, is it even real?

 

Untangle the trap. Recognize when you’re telling yourself stories by flipping the narrative. Instead of acting and reacting out of FEAR and NEED, be proactive and productive out of LOVE and WANT. Will you get some kind words or praise along the way? I mean, probably. Productive and Proactive are infectious. Everyone wants a little of whatever the most self-assured and got-it-together person in the room is having, and that will most likely get you a nice potpourri mix of extremes; both validation and judgement. The trick is to not let either guide your actions. And if you’re like me and you’re thinking, “But wait. I’m not that self-assured and DEFINITELY don’t got-it-together at ALL” …it makes no difference. Proactive and Productive read as self-assured and got-it-together from the outside. That’s their story to tell. Not yours.

I still tell myself wild stories that I am caught without grounding in space, that I am thought ill of, that I am screwing up and that someone is onto me. That someone else is more qualified, more talented, more beautiful, more special and well-liked. Just More.

And when I tell myself these stories I take the drama, I take the romanticized truths in my head and I ask WHY. Turns out that the story I tell is usually rationally improbable. And that much of my story is actually rooted in a need to be validated; a surface-level reaction. A premonition that I might have something to be sorry about, just by being me. When the truth is that “being me” is the greatest asset I could ever have.

~

So swing high and dive deep. Take a stand and give yourself the credit you deserve.

Trust your actions. Trust your intuition. Because we have everything we need, right here, right now.

Your validation is that your life is happening For you. To you. With you.

Your validation – it’s in your existence.

And so you keep going.

validation

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A Case Of The Januarys (Or, 3 Things To Do Besides Resolve To “Lose Weight”)

A Case Of The Januarys (Or, 3 Things To Do Besides Resolve To “Lose Weight”)

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It’s only the beginning of the month, and we’ve got a first-class case of the Januarys: that extra-special cocktail of optimism, hope, frustration, and grit with a sprinkle of self-loathing and dash of cynicism on the side. It’s what ramps up gym memberships and cashes in on cleanses – what jolts us out of bed on the first of the month and has us barely out of pjs by March. It’s what rings in the year with cheer and closes out the year with fear. It’s what keeps us in the loop of pseudo self-improvement that makes us feel like we just can’t catch a break.

And frankly, it’s exhausting.

A thought: what if it’s all a ploy? What if the freshness of each new year is just a chance for food companies, fitness brands, and mass media marketing to convince us that the way we’ve been living hasn’t been “good enough” until now? What if our case of the Januarys is being exploited so that we’re tricked into using those positive qualities – the optimism, hope, grit – to fuel the negative, over and over, year after year, right when it hits us hardest?

There’s a grain of truth in this tactic. Transitional moments like birthdays, seasons, and yes, new years, are stellar times to make shift happen. Natural transitions beget natural change – I don’t know one person who hasn’t grown a year older or stepped outside on the first day of summer and felt something shift inside of them. Whether it’s metaphorical or physical, the shedding of layers during these times of change is what makes space for all the growth and general newness coming our way. To resist this is to resist the chance to be your most expressed, most ecstatic, most whole self.

The caveat lies in the kind of shift we try to make happen. Superficial goals that read like magazine headlines set us up for failure by focusing on one narrow expectation – an end result that’s arbitrary, impersonal, and might not even be in our control. Dropping the dress size, making more money, finding true love, getting the best body ever. Ever.

More and more women (and men) find themselves back at square one by the time the year is over – and even if they don’t and their outsides look different, many are mentally in the same spot as they’ve always been by years’ end.

It’s reinforced by our culture and years of trying to do right by it: We should want to be better, and the way to do that is focus on a prescribed set of seemingly achievable norms. (Mostly having to do with how to lose weight or getting our “best body ever.” Like, what does that even mean?)

What if I told you that the so-called “secrets” to your best body didn’t come in a can, a bottle, a cream or a Crossfit? What if I said the trick to dropping the dress size, making more money, and finding true love was simple, accessible, and realistic for the life you’re living at this very moment?

What if the decisions you made – the ones that had nothing to do with calories or reps or the job you have or things you buy – were the decisions that actually helped you get that life you covet?

What if your best body ever was actually the one you’re in now? Click To Tweet

You’ve already read about all the new fitness trends and diet tricks. Here are three other ways to cure a case of the Januarys (along with my own examples for inspo). Turns out, it’s all in your attitude:

1.) FIND A REASON FOR THE SEASON (of change)
Losing weight, buying a house, or “networking more” are all fine and dandy, but what happens after? It’s important to know why you want to make a change, and what that “why” means to you. Think losing weight will make you happier? Well, what does “happy” mean to you? Self-confidence to wear what you, ask someone on a date, insist on that raise, stand up to your bullies? Okay, so losing weight can definitely play a part in that. But if “buying a house” will make you happier as well, that might boil down to safety, security, a sense of belonging….and there actually might be something else that can speak to that on a more regular basis. Maybe you can redecorate your apartment, or have people over once a week for game night.

This year, focus on the reason you want change and then go from there. You can use this to break down goals into habits as well. Say you want to “eat healthier.” Well, what does “healthier” mean to you? Maybe you already eat a mostly plant-based diet, but are still feeling sluggish or foggy throughout the day. Can you pinpoint a small change that could be contributing to this? Healthier could mean drinking half your body weight in water (the recommended dose) per day. It could mean eating earlier in the evening – or later. Point being: it’s your unique micro-habits that eventually shape positive macro-change.

My example: I want to have more energy. What does “more energy” look like to me? It means not pressing the snooze button 4xs, working out in the mornings, getting work done in a timely fashion so I can spend more time not sitting. I love the mornings, and the earlier I can get myself up and running (literally or metaphorically!), the better I feel about my day in general. I have loads of mental energy – it’s the physical energy that gets me sometimes.  And what I’ve realized is that it starts when I wake up…with a headache. My doctor suggested eating a little bit of protein about 30 minutes before I go to sleep, which is something that has helped me in the past. So in the new year, I’d love to start that habit again. I know it will lead to “more energy,” but it makes me excited because it feels like I’ll be getting my mornings back. My habit/reason/”resolution” if you will is to eat a little protein 30 minutes before bed…not to “have more energy.”

It's your unique micro-habits that eventually shape positive macro-change. Click To Tweet

2.) THE HABIT-TO-MONTH RATIO.

I once read that when adopting a newer, healthier lifestyle (whether that means losing extra inches, lowering inflammation in your body, gaining muscle, or raising your body weight to a level at which it can function with energy and ease), it takes something like four weeks for you to feel a difference, eight for your friends to take notice…and twelve for acquaintance and strangers to start asking questions. Okay, so maybe I read it on the ever-prestigious scientific journal that is Pinterest…but I love the picture it paints of slow and steady change, moment by moment. Sure, you can have an end result in mind. But most of the time, when we’re so tightly tied to one specific end result, we miss out on all the other great things that happen along the way.

This year, try adopting one new habit per month and just see where it takes you. If the Pinterest scientists are correct, you’ll start to feel a shift about a month into your journey. If it’s working for you, great! If it’s not, let it go – no guilt.

Another bonus? Just one habit per month prevents you for getting too overwhelmed with tasks and to-dos – and helps you pay attention to what’s really going on as a result of the change you’ve vowed to make. I can sometimes (read: all the times) get overly excited about the idea of making big shifts all at once. It’s exciting. And distracting. One per month (or one habit + one tangible to-do item if you’re feeling ambitious) helps me focus my energy on that single thing instead of spreading myself thin in 12 different areas of my life.

My example: This month, I’m going to make a habit out of exercising between 9:30am and 10:30am every weekday. My schedule has been feeling haphazard lately, and I’ve found that’s the time block I get the most out of my sweat sessions – so I’ve committed to trying it out this month to see if it helps me feel more structured and energized the rest of the day. Next month, I’m going to make sure I schedule two social activities during the week each week, whether they’re dinner dates with friends or saying yes to media invites. As an introvert, I need my time to think and recharge, but I also know that I crave a sense of community. Too many “yesses” makes me feel stretched thin, but I’ve found that too few make me feel disconnected. Carving out time for two high-value (soul-wise) activities is totally doable and gets me excited to connect with like-minded peeps.

Try adopting one new habit per month and just see where it takes you. Click To Tweet

3.) COMPLIMENT OTHERS.
When it comes to negative self-talk, have you ever heard someone ask “Would you talk to your best friend that way?” (here’s why that doesn’t really work) Turns out, this advice works best in the opposite, positive direction: when we compliment others, whether it be on a new dress or on their killer smile, we are training our brains to speak kindly. And as with anything else, practice makes permanence. When your mind practices the art of reassurance and positive reinforcement, its wires get untangled and positivity starts to become your own vernacular. I have no “My Example” for this one, because these are effects I see daily, monthly, yearly. Self-talk is like a muscle – and we can choose whether to build it up positively or negatively.

This year, start being kind to yourself by being kind to others. In a sea of “best body now!” guides and headlines, this one shift can be your biggest game-changer. Retraining yourself to speak a new language – a language of kindness – has major positive ramifications. Your “best body” becomes the one you are in now, because you realize that even on the gloomiest days there is something wonderful about it that keeps you shining. Your physical self becomes not a goal to achieve, but a by-product of all the jumping-for-joy you’re doing in the rest of your life, during the high highs and the low lows.

Self-talk is like a muscle - and we can choose whether to build it up positively or negatively. Click To Tweet

When you’re nice to others, you’re nice to yourself – and you will start making decisions from a place of self-love instead of self-loathing. It’s a small change, that, over time, makes a huge, huge difference.

Now that’s what I call a cure-all.

jump-for-joy
WANT YOURSELF:
I gave you my examples – and now I want to hear yours in the comments below.
What is one reason you’d like to make a shift, and what does that mean to you?
What is one new habit you can try out this month to get you feeling the way you want to feel?
Have you tried the “speak to others like you hope to speak to yourself” compliment experiment?
Doesn’t this picture of a girl jumping just make you want to jump for joy yourself? (it’s infectious like that)

Talk Purdy To Me (Or, Why “Would You Say That To Your Friend?” Doesn’t Work When It Comes To Self Talk)

Talk Purdy To Me (Or, Why “Would You Say That To Your Friend?” Doesn’t Work When It Comes To Self Talk)

Community Motivation + Inspiration

When I was younger, I used to get anxiety over giving people compliments. Which is crazy, since it’s one of my favorite pastimes.

I always loved saying nice things to people, and had a strong urge to give my love somewhere to go.  But as a kid, it seemed like something I should temper. Will she think I am weird? Will she make fun of me? Will I seem like a suck-up, embarrassing, or weak?

When I first started dating my now-boyfriend Jeremy, my best girl friend would always ask how it was going, what I was feeling, etc. And I’d answer with stuff like, “He’s great. He’s really great.” She’d want me to elaborate and I wouldn’t. She’d want me to let her in and I couldn’t. Interesting, since I had nothing to hide and nothing I was uncertain about. If I talk about it like I want to… Will she think I am weird? Will she make fun of me? Will I seem like a loser, silly, or weak?

Just this morning, I signed onto Instagram to see my friend Sarah had tagged me in a quote picture that read:

“Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.”

And along with Sarah, I wondered – why is this so hard to do?

Why it it so hard to talk lovingly to ourselves like we’d talk lovingly to someone we care a great deal about?

And then I realized: it’s hard because we’re not talking to people this way.

no clue who created this image, so I'll credit @kuschfit, badass trainer extraordinaire
no clue who created this image, so I’ll credit @kuschfit, badass trainer extraordinaire

Compliments and positive talk are mutually beneficial – you make someone else smile, you end up smiling, and that feels good. But what happens beyond that?

The language we use to talk to ourselves is usually the same language we use to talk out in the world. And the way we talk is like exercising a muscle: we get to choose if we build it up to be positively or negatively strong.

Take a look at the way we talk to people on a day-to-day basis: Sure, we’re cordial to the people we love, we’re appropriate, but most of the time we’re just “nothing to” them. Our relationships with them are already established, so we assume they don’t need the cheering up, encouragement, compliments, or even care to hear good things from us. It’s implied that all those kind thoughts and good feelings already exist, simply because we’re already their friend. We don’t have to say a word.

And then, when we do connect, we’ll often bond over what we don’t like or what annoys us, because they’re the people we love, and we “can” vent to them. We can talk about the things we don’t like because they’re emotionally charged, and it’s easy to bond over things that both parties involved are emotionally charged about.

In the same vein – go with me here – we’re unconsciously “nothing” to ourselves because we’ve already got an established relationship with our Self: our body, our potential, our mind, our capabilities. So we don’t give ourselves the credit or the kudos we deserve, or notice all the good stuff.

Moreover, we’ll bond with the voice in our head over the negative things that comes up, what we don’t like and what annoys us.

The easier and more natural it becomes to bond over the negative, the more difficult and “weird” it becomes to bond over the positive.

Why don’t we do this? Why don’t we consistently tell our friends how bangin’ they look or how much they mean to us? How proud we are of them or how much they just blow our minds simply by being themselves? Why don’t we use our relationships with to gush about the things that make us happy? There’s no good reason why we shouldn’t do any/all of these things, except for fear of being different or uncomfortable.
speaking kindly to ourselves starts with

Here’s what to do to start exercising those positive talk muscles in your brain. The awesome thing? You can start doing these as soon as today:

1) Start complimenting people. Specifically, the people you know and love. It might seem superfluous at first. It might seem cheesy. It might even seem like you’re being “weird.” Do it anyway. Mix in compliments to strangers. There’s no way we can build those positive-talk muscles in our brain when it comes to ourselves if we don’t work on building them up when it comes to others. They are not and cannot be mutually exclusive.

2) Each day, bond with a friend or family member over one thing that’s positive. Maybe it’s a success you had at work. Maybe it’s something you learned or a revelation you had during the day. Maybe it’s the way you felt that day or a funny thing you saw on the internet. It can be anything. But make sure that neither one of your let your critical voice comes into the conversation. Of course, you can do more than one – but make sure you’re making it work for you.

The hardest part of this exercise for some people is that their friends are not always on board. We’re starved for positive, authentic connection, so people will either go right along with you or repel what’s different. And that’s when you see people’s true colors. If a friend or family member starts to steer the conversation in a negative direction, simply say “I get it, but I’d really love to keep this conversation positive right now.”

If they continue to repel you time and again, maybe it’s time to get some distance. It’s difficult sometimes, especially if those people are members of your family or people you live with. But we’ve got to accept that our external lives are actually a reflection of what’s going on internally. The beauty is, if we’re committed to making a shift and moving forward into being the person we know we’re meant to be, then as we start to tweak the outside, the inside will follow. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Just like with a tempting food that actually makes you feel horrible later, limiting your interactions with the ones who feed that negative virus in your body will eventually make you more and more immune to disease.

one of my favorite shots from SXSW. positive talk central. photo by Sara Christopher.
one of my favorite shots from SXSW. positive talk central. photo by Sara Christopher.

It wasn’t that my friend who asked about my relationship wanted me to reveal private, intimate details, and I’d known that. Sure, I needed some time to arrange my thoughts and figure out for myself how exactly I felt, and time to keep it just to myself – but after that period of time passed, I still wouldn’t open up to her. Things had never been as good as they were at that point in my life, and I didn’t know if it was “socially appropriate” to explain that. Those voices from childhood came back: will she judge me? Will she tune me out? I wasn’t being private, I was feeling like it would be self-absorbed of me to talk about how incredible and nuanced this relationship was and how I felt about it. The second I realized I was in a safe place, in a friendship that was based in celebrating each other on the regular, I realized that there was no reason not to let her in.

I did. And I told her what an incredible friend she was. Not surprisingly, she didn’t think I was a loser, silly, embarrassing, a suck-up, or weak. She celebrated right along with me.

This week, shelf the advice to “Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.” It’s time to start treating ourselves the way we actually want to treat others, simultaneously training ourselves to speak in a way that’s supportive and kind.

Those positive talk muscles are just waiting to be strengthened. Stretch ’em out.



WANT ACTION PLAN:
After you’ve completed the exercises above, tell me: What did you say? Who did you compliment? What one (or however many!) positive thing did you find to bond over today? How did that make you feel?



the way we talk is like exercising a