Love And Light: On Insta-Bullies + The “High Road.”

Love And Light: On Insta-Bullies + The “High Road.”

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Last week, I got my first public InstaBully.

I knew this moment was coming. While not “big” by industry standards, my Instagram numbers were steadily growing, and between three speaking gigs in two weeks and a brand new collab underway, I was seeing an amount of traction that was abnormal for what I’d experienced thus far. I knew, also, that as my “numbers” began to grow, that so would my trolls. Maybe if I kept things sterile and serene on social, but that’s not my jam, because I believe that if you have a voice people are listening to, you should use it.

But also, I know it wouldn’t really matter either way. I could post about politics or I could post about pomegranates. I could post about body image or I could post about the best bakeries in Manhattan. I could post instrospective captions or I could post a string of vague emojis that don’t really mean anything in particular. I know that women are bullied on social media for just existing (much like in life!), and I also know that the more outwardly successful you are, the more bullying comments you receive. Just go to the comments section of anyone you deem even mildly #famous and you’ll see what I mean.

katie horwitch instagram bulliesthis was the pic, btw.


I also want to add that this isn’t the first time I’ve been harrassed online. I’ve received DMs on all platforms and seen men tag each other in my posts commenting with wagging tongues or some other disgusting emoji or outburst. But this was the first public-facing comment that was directly directed at me, whose direct purpose was to knock me down and dehumanize me.

I’d like to say I was unaffected and laughed the second I saw it. But when it showed up in my notifications, my heart dropped. I can;t say I wasn’t expecting it – part of me for the last month had been whispering in the back of my mind, Wait for it… – but it still stung. After the first 15 seconds, I shook off the sting and started laughing. I’ve Made It!, I cheered to myself! And proceeded to check out this dude’s account then block and report him, not before (of course) snapping a screenshot for harassment proof and to text my friends. Oh, and blast on my personal social accounts.

I knew sharing this would be a little social experiment. How many people would laugh, how many would get angry? How many would know that this is sadly expected, and how many would be agog that this would happen to ME, “violently positive” (as I’ve been deemed by some friends) Katie Horwitch, who keeps her posts PG-13 at their racy-est and proactive at their most charged? I’ve come to expect a wide gamut of reactions based on the wide gamut of experiences and perspectives all people come into a conversation with.

But what blew me away in THIS conversation was the overWHELMING prevalence of this one comment:

This is obviously a very sad person and we should send him light.

Now, not everyone commented with these exact words. Most came to me in the form of “Wow, what a miserable life he must lead” or “What a sad person he must be” or “Laugh at their misery with compassion” or “Imagine how shitty his existence must be and how badly he must need a hug” or even “By the looks of it, this guy is clearly so sad in life and clearly needs medication.”

I’m not one to downplay mental health issues. But the overarching theme and connecting thread between all of these comments was: he gets a pass because of how hard life must be for him.

I know my friends were well-meaning when saying these things, and didn’t meant to downplay anything. I know this because I know this kind of deescalation is a conversation and perspective that’s been taught. It’s kinder than “stooping down to their level.” It’s more “enlightened.” 

It’s the “high road.”

But it begs, no, PLEADS the question:
Why is our default response with hurtful men, particularly WHITE men, to play the compassion card, while when it’s a woman or POC, it’s to get angry and spew hate their way (even when they’re NOT actually being a bully, but that’s another conversation)? Why is it that the bully in the situation gets a free pass when the bully is an angry white dude? 

 

I am strong and confident. I’ll be just fine. But some people aren’t. And saying things like “don’t let it get to you, they’re just sad in real life” excuses the bully’s behavior, writing it off as a supporting example of a greater thesis statement about that person’s life. A life that doesn’t involve you, but in this moment, actually does.

Even more than that, using excuses like “what a sad human being” normalizes pushing others down to make yourself feel better. And even MORE than that- and this is what really gets me – it makes the harrassee, on the prey, feel GUILTY for not feeling compassion for their bully.

I see it happen on a small scale in instances like this one and on a more serious scale with my black or gay friends who are told that they should feel sorry for the people who speak such hateful words about them. That, to quote Shakespeare or someone like him, “they know not what they say” and should be sent, to paraphrase, “love and light.”

Well, I call BS on love and light. I call BS on the default of putting yourself in the shoes of the oppressor, whether it’s the man catcalling you on the street or the online troll smearing your DMs with racism. I call BS on it all.

I call BS on love and light. I call BS on the default of putting yourself in the shoes of the oppressor, whether it's the man catcalling you on the street or the online troll smearing your DMs with racism. I call BS on it all. Click To Tweet

 

So how do we do it then? In the true spirit of how I write, and WHAT I write, and what others SHARE on this platform, how does this turn into a proactive post offering tools and insight instead of a reactive post venting and offloading emotion?

•SHARE. Brené Brown says that shame can’t live when spoken out loud. Names are shame’s worst enemy and take away shame’s power. When I share things I feel shame around or stuff people say to me that’s meant to tear me down, though, I check my intenitions behind the share. Am I looking for pity or to engage in a hatefest? Or am I posting to expose darkness, to show that this can happen to anyone, anywhere – and we must join forces to take on that darkness?

•Engage with the bully **when PRODUCTIVE and PROACTIVE.** Is commenting back going to help someone learn something or help prove a point when it comes to creating the world you want to live in? Then post away. I thought of posting a comment back to this guy to show others who might be watching how to disarm a bully (my personal tactic is humor and confusion. “I actually thought of this same joke in middle school so I could poke fun at it before any of the mean 12 year-old boys could!” would’ve done it). But this particular comment was so juvenile and nonsensical that it didn’t deserve the time of day – mine or anyone else’s. If the photo or caption had been different – maybe more sexualized or risque – I would have used it as an opportunity to assert my right to portray my body however I pleased. My right to take pride in my sexuality instead of it simply being fodder for others (men) to comment on and make decisions about.

But this wasn’t the case. It was about him leaving a nonsensical comment that didn’t have anything to do with anything except general punny slut-shaming because it’s “funny” and demeaning. It was a classic bully move. This dude didn’t follow me (I checked). This guy didn’t care about what I had to say. He wanted to come into my space, spit at me, and then leave. It would be a waste of my time to try and engage and create a comment war or generate more anger – all on MY page, mind you, which I have worked hard to build and have strict community guidelines around. Namely, don’t be a dick.

I’ve been shamed before for my choices in clothing or maybe a look that “feels” provocative. But those are my choices. I know who I am and I know what I’m doing. And I will always defend that, so that others who might not be able to find the words themselves can have a point of reference if and when it happens to them.

•SCREENSHOT and REPORT hate speech. I’m not talking about silencing voices you don’t agree with. Don’t do that. It’s a reeeeal bad look, to put it mildly. I’m talking about the old PSA of “if you see something, say something.” I’m talking about if someone is coming at YOU or someone else with toxic, malicious vitriol, take a screenshot for your records and then report that shit. Platforms like Facebook are preaching that they have zero tolerance for hate speech and harassment. At the end of the day, they’re businesses. They exist because of us. And their noble claims of being an inclusive, tolerant zone, as much as I would love to say are all about their core values, are most likely ALSO a direct result of a shift in user experience. See something? Say something. Make those platforms do something about it.

 

Interestingly enough, this also happened the day before the news broke about the US administration’s talks about making it illegal to recognize more than two genders in our country. I shared a post by my friend Kelsey, which I thought was so succinct and well-written. Not even an hour later, I received an extremely nasty DM from someone telling me that I looked stupid and our country looked stupid, and while I was “over here caring about stupid pronouns” there were “people dying from bombs across the world.” Apparently I wasn’t allowed to care about Trans rights *and* international warfare. ::shrugs::

And this is where it all starts to get blurry. How do you interact with, if you even interact with at ALL, people who are yelling AT you and not speaking WITH you, who slam you with hate speech and view life through a very narrow lens of their own making?

I’m still working this out. Right now, I’m thinking it’s futile to argue with people who are hell-bent on interpreting your words, your decisions, and your SELF as they see fit. As a quote shared by brilliant Vienna Pharon and @mytruthnturs said, “self care is also not arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.”

But I am still learning. And next year, month, week, hour, I might feel differently. That it’s important to speak up no matter what, even if the person on the other end is determined to shut you down. Yet right now, I don’t have time for that shit. I have work to do.

When consulting with brands and “influencers,” I’ve heard people say that they feel like having a certain amount of visibility or recognition will allow them to talk about things they actually want to talk about. That once they reach a certain number or achieve a very specific self dictated level of success, the conversational doors will fly open and the soapbox will appear. When that happens, they say, they’ll talk about racial injustices, gender disparities, wage gaps, the whole shebang. When, when, when.

My question to them is always: why aren’t you talking about these things now, if those are the conversations you want to be KNOWN for having??

And this is where I’m at. In this period of unusually rapid growth, it’s even more vital for me to use my voice in the way I know how and know I must. If you’re looking to build a genuine following and highly engaged community online: post your values. Post your Self. It’ll get rid of the noise real quick, and you’ll end up with the people who are Your People. Win win.

Post your values. Post your Self. It’ll get rid of the noise real quick, and you’ll end up with the people who are Your People. Win win. Click To Tweet

Oh, and as for my last name? You’ll notice I didn’t change it when I got married. Katie Tucker is pretty adorbs and could have worked quite nicely. It could have also avoided this lame bullying comment.

But here’s the thing. I’ve spent years making peace with my last name. I’ve spent years emotionally sifting through the self-deprecating comments of my family members about how much it sucks, or women telling women to make the change as soon as they can. I’ve learned to make loving jokes, and I’ve learned to find the power in it.

 

One crisp and slightly ethereal day last year, I ran into my friend Michael after I finished teaching one of my classes. Not unusual (we do work at the same place), but this time, his face lit up differently when he saw me in the hallway. Like I was a walking epiphany. “This might sound weird, but I was thinking about your last name the other day,” he started. Oh no, I thought. Here it goes…

“I broke it down and I realized your last name is made up of two labels devised by the patriarchy. ‘Whore’ (or Hor) for sexually empowered women, and ‘Witch’ for socially and politically revolutionary feminists. Your last name is made of up two terms that were created by men to demean strong and powerful women who were viewed as threats. Your last name is basically the most badass, most powerful, and most on-brand last name you could have.”


Damn straight. I’ll take it.

(**my people, for the record, believe in trans rights, believe that black lives matter, believe survivors – and while my people and i might not agree on everything in life, my people like to lean in and get curious way more than lash out and get cruel.)



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Adult Bullying: Feeling Good When You’re Being Pushed Around

Adult Bullying: Feeling Good When You’re Being Pushed Around

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“I’m just being honest”
“But you know, it’s just because I care.”
“I’m just watching out for you.”
“If I can’t tell you, who can?”

Ever heard something like this, supposedly said in your best interests, but instantly felt utterly shitty inside?

I’m not talking about genuine concern or healthy, respectful discourse – I’m talking about those times someone has made you feel guilty, ungrateful, second-class, or just plain dumb.

It’s passive-aggression and manipulation at its finest: you’re being told something that hurts under the guide of it being for your “own good.”

We’re all familiar with these relationships. So familiar, you can probably think of one or two instances off the top of your head.

When others cut you down, you start to watch yourself more – like a commentator giving a play-by-play analysis of each thought, decision, and action you take. And self-censoring is a nice sturdy foundation for negative talk patterns to be built upon.

I’ve always, always had these reoccurring passive-aggressive bully characters pop up in my life, which made my inner sports commentator determine that I was viewed as a runner-up, second-best type of girl. The weird thing is, I knew in my heart I was a leader and that given the opportunity to excel on my own, I was way more than just capable – I was actually able to, dare I say it, connect and inspire. Go figure!

But – a big “but” – the way I was being pushed around made me wary of owning that fact. The fact that I could do it, the fact that I didn’t need someone’s approval or advice beforehand. I would constantly wrestle with striving to fulfill my own ambition and checking in with others to see what was “right.” I would feel pulled in so many different directions without even knowing what was really going on.

And then one day, I decided I’d had enough. At that point, I was not just stagnant in my life, I was moving around in circles. The same patterns would repeat and I’d find myself crying in frustration, sinking into bouts of depression without telling anyone about how deeply it was affecting me. 

And so this week, when I was asked by Megan at Humble Rebel what I’ve quit and never regretted, I didn’t even hesitate when I said: Allowing myself to be sneakily pushed around.

Here’s what to do if you’re being bullied:

1) Breathe. A friend recently posted on Facebook a little aside about the advice a doctor gave him – that a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth is “like writing a love note to every cell in your body.” (man I wish I could take credit for that imagery.) It’s true: whether you’ve honed a meditation/yoga practice or not, everyone should get into the habit of breathing deeply. Scientifically, it keeps your blood pressure from skyrocketing and feeds your cells with much-needed oxygen so they can function at their best. Purely subjectively, it feels damn good. And when you’re being pushed around, you need something to calm you down and make you feel damn good.

2) Shift your perspective. Remember hearing your parents say that people make fun of or bully others in order to make themselves feel better? Many times, that applies to us adults, too. Truly malicious people aside, many passive-aggressive bullies don’t intend to be mean or piss you off or make you sad – they mean to advise based on their own life experience and truth, deflect energy they’re feeling thrown at them from the world, or simply cope with their own surroundings and life choices. Remembering that “everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about” prevents you from fully absorbing their hurtful words and the impact that follows.

(***Edit: this only applies in some cases. To read about dealing with bullies who INTEND to poke fun and push you down, or who use micro-aggressions over and over in a more serious manner, click here.**)

3) Have a go-to confrontation phrase (or two). This is my favorite tip, and the one that’s proven the most helpful for me. Even if you’re “good” at confrontation, it’s usually not a pleasant activity, and you want to make sure you can stay cool, calm, and quasi-collected in the case the other person goes on the defensive or throws some nasty words your way. Not everyone is empathetic – that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

Some of my favorites:

    • “I know it’s not your intention, but when you say things like ____, I interpret it like _____.”
    • “When you say _____, I hear _____.”
    • “I feel _____ because ________.”
    • “I respect you for you – please respect me for me.”
    • “I understand where you’re coming from. But I need to do what’s right for me.”
    • “I appreciate your honesty, but here’s how I view it: ______.”
    • “That might be your truth, but this is mine.”
    • “I promise you – I’ve got this.”

And so on and so on. Just be sure you’re staying kind and firm. Especially if this is a relationship you value. It might be hard not to go off the handle, but you are strong (I know ’cause you’re reading this!), and you need to be the anchor in the conversation right now.

4) Immediately perform an easy yet impactful act of self-care. After hearing hurtful words, or standing up for yourself if the situation allowed for it, do something that makes you feel happy. Turn on your favorite radio station or podcast. Sing. Give people hugs. Give people compliments. Text someone you love and tell them how much you love them. Guaranteed you’ll feel at least 5% better immediately – and 5% is better than nothing at all! Performing an easy yet impactful act of self-care is like chugging down a strong dose of anti-meanness medication.

adult bullying

I wish I could tell you that adult bullies fade away, but from what I’ve observed, they don’t – they just become senior-citizen-bullies. Just like negativity is a bonding tactic we learn from a very young age, bossing others around or being disrespectful is a habit that we can carry with us into old age if we allow ourselves to go there. We all slip and do it every so often – but if you can catch it when you feel the effects on the receiving end, you’ll be way, way less likely to do the same to others.

Because everyone is truly fighting a battle others know nothing about. Because you should be playing in the game of your life, not censoring. And because every good commentator knows when it’s time to just sit back and let the athletes do their thing.


WANT YOURSELF:
Action Plan time! What is your go-to confrontation phrase? Or, if you don’t have one yet, what’s one you’ll use next time you’re being pushed around?

Please share below in the comments – your phrase could be the one someone else has been searching for.