You know those words you use all the time, the ones you don’t realize you use all the time until you listen back to a voice text you sent a friend or hear yourself on a recording? (flashback to the days of recording outgoing messages on “answering machines”)

I am acutely aware of these.

Not just because I’ve been obsessing over the words we say for close to two decades, but because I’ve been hosting and editing my podcast, the WANTcast, since 2015.

And when you’re editing a podcast, you hear EVERYTHING.

Some people are “Like” people. Some people are “Umm”ers. And some people’s word is actually two words: “Kind Of.”

This is a story about those.

I couldn’t figure out what my issue was.

Let’s back up:

I’d been in a bit of a haze all spring. A combo of highs and lows and confusion and compassion and grief and joy and most of all WAY too many gloomy rainy days.

This spring, barometrically, was a bummer. A headline from back in May titled “What gives? 82% of last 11 weekends brought rain to Central Park” pretty much sums it up. There’d be one glorious day SO glorious you’d think all the dreariness was done for the season, then BOOM multiple days of grey soggy windy grossness to follow. Over and over again, you’d start to realize this was just the way things were now.

The weather patterns mirrored my inner ecosystem.

So when multiple days of consecutive summer sunshine finally made their way to NYC a few weeks ago, I expected a switch would flip and my mood would magically be boosted. I’m a Southern California gal after all! This is MY SEASON, baby!

Except that boost didn’t happen.

Instead, I felt the same lingering sadness, anxiety, and disappointment I’d felt in the months prior.

ONLY

I’m someone who’s super affected by her environment. And not just in the way that people on the internet talk about “being affected by your enviroment” ie the people you’re around or the aesthetic of your home (which of course I’m a Sensie Sally to as well). I’m someone who is VERY affected by the temperature, the air quality, the seasonal foliage, etc. I had no clue this part of me existed until I moved to NYC, where there were actual distinct seasons that required you to store whole wardrobes underneath your bed until your local meteorologist said it was time to do the seasonal swap.

I both love this and “ugh” this about myself. Some years, I’ve even got enough foresight to plan for it. I’m forever grateful to my Fall 2019 self for all the practices she put into place preparing for Winter 2019/2020. Because Winter 2020 turned into Spring 2020, and wow did I need that level of mindfulness in Spring 2020.

Something that I’ve often used to help me get energized (or just out of the house) when I feel stuck is exercise. Whether it’s going to the gym, streaming a class on an app, or running in the park (or to the bagel shop), I know that when I move my body my brain follows suit.

Cut to last week, when I used this strategy for the umpteenth time to break my stuckness streak. I hopped onto the spin bike tucked away in the corner of my gym. I scrolled through my fitness app of choice, found a class being led by an instructor friend of mine, and tapped the “START” button. It felt good to be guided by my friend’s familiar voice and energy, and I ended the class feeling sweaty and strong.

I slowed my legs down, unclipped my spin shoes, and sat on the ground to change back into my sneakers.

“But I only did 20 minutes,” I thought.

And then, almost immediately, another thought responded:

“Your ‘only’ is someone else’s ‘if only.”

Record scratch.

EMOTIONALLY HEAVY WORDS

An Emotionally Heavy Word, as I describe in WANT YOUR SELF:

An Emotionally Heavy Word is a word we use that’s married to a unique and universal feeling, and evokes a specific, intense reaction when we say it. It holds the weight of associations and experiences felt across humanity. An EHW is strong. So strong, in fact, that it’s hard to use the word and not feel the feeling at the same time.

As someone who dealt with multiple eating and body-related disorders throughout her 20s, I always make sure I know what I’m ACTUALLY self-talking about when I say or think EHWs, especially if they have to do with my body in some way. Because rarely is it actually about my body.

Our self-talk informs our actions and how we walk through the world. I KNOW how I want to walk through the world. And it’s not in a way that forces me to shrink myself down.

In that moment in the gym, I realized a reason why the summer sun hadn’t been able to shaken me out of my rainy day blues.

I’ve been in an ONLY trap all year long.

THE MINIMIZERS

“Only” is in a category of EHWs I now call MINIMIZERS.

These words and short phrases include “Only”, “Just”, “Kind Of”, “Sort Of”, and “Little.”

The subtext of a minimizer like “only” is usually about what’s not there:

• I only ran two miles really means I didn’t run enough miles.
• I only wrote for 15 minutes today really means I’m disappointed with how little I wrote today
• I only have $5 to donate to that cause really means My contribution doesn’t matter.

THE THING IS, “only” is agnostic. It doesn’t care what you’re doing or what you look like or how much money you have or how you go about your day. Its goal is to convince you that whatever those things are, they’re not enough.

So what do you do? You shift it.

Here’s how you shift a Minimizer:

1. IDENTIFY THE PURPOSE

In order to shift a Minimizer, you have to look at what the minimization is getting you. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from getting hurt or criticized. How many times have you referred to something as “a little thing I’m doing on the side” in order to manage other people’s (or your own!) expectations? Maybe the minimization makes you feel like there’s something to strive for. If you “only” do X and Y, then one day you can maybe reach Z. Whatever it is, your minimization is serving a purpose and doing SOMETHING for you. Even if that something isn’t helpful.

Then, you…

2. DROP IT

With other EHW shifts, it’s about replacing the word or pivoting to a different train of thought entirely. But because ONLY’s power lives and dies with the subtext contained WITHIN those four letters, removing that subtext shifts the sentence entirely.

• I only ran two miles becomes I ran two miles.
• I only wrote for 15 minutes becomes I wrote for 15 minutes.
• I only have $5 to donate becomes I have $5 to donate.

See what happens?

The focus shifts off of what you DON’T have or DIDN’T do, and onto what you DO have and DID do.

WHAT’S POSSIBLE

Just like any curse word — at least in my universe — it’s not about cutting every single use of a Minimizer out completely. I use words like fuck and shit and all their variations (fucker, shitton, fuckshit, etc) mindfully. Mostly, I use them to drive home a point.

But I don’t use them without purpose, because the second I get used to using them without purpose, and I certainly don’t use them around certain crowds unless they’re necessary and I’ve asked permission first.

(cut to me asking “can I curse on this podcast” in almost every interview I’ve done. Doesn’t hurt to make sure, right??)

It’s the same with a word like ONLY. Sometimes, it’s important to know something is minimal and you want to be maximal. If you don’t know what you want to change and how you want to change it, you can’t make that change happen. If you’re feeling lonely because you “only” saw your friends once this past month, that’s good information to help you carve out additional time each month to connect. If you’re hungry because you “only” had a snack instead of a proper lunch, that’s good information that you need to eat and fuel up! ONLY serves a purpose, and removing it from your vocab isn’t about bypassing your feelings or body’s signals. It’s also not about making something okay that isn’t.

But if you’re like me, you could probably use some awareness of the ways you minimize your accomplishments, abilities, or even day-to-day activities.

Because what I realized when I got off my spin bike is that I’d been so stuck in an ONLY loop that I’d convinced myself that nothing was good enough.

Go figure, now that I’ve started to mindfully nix my ONLYs, I can feel some of my haze starting to clear. I’m still building the habit of censoring that particular EHW, so sometimes I slip. But the heightened awareness and mindful tossing of the word seems to be helping, little by little.

Instead of seeing lack, I’m beginning to see possibility again.

Which…makes sense.

The subtext of “only” is usually about what’s not there.

What would happen if you refocused that lens?