This fear of disappointment, where did it come from?

It’s not a fear of being disappointed – it’s a fear of disappointing.

It’s a fear of not leading. It’s a fear of authority and being left behind.

I’m always worried I am in trouble. That I am doing something wrong. And when I say always I mean always. I know it is not wise to put this energy out into the universe, so I actively try to rearrange the lines of my inner dialogue.

I have trust issues. I know that. But not like others do. I take people for their word and see everyone as just another human being. I trust us at our best but completely forget about us at our worst.

And then I do something or feel something and this rush of adrenaline hits my system – the kind of rush you get before the roller coaster drop. Maybe not the kind you get. But the kind I get. I hate roller coasters. My body freezes and my limbs go numb. My face heats up.  My breathing stops. It’s not a fun thing to experience. I’m paralyzed with fear.

And then I think, maybe it’s not fear of authority.  Maybe it’s fear of stagnation.

Maybe it is fear of someone better coming along, some instance, some THING that is more qualified in someone else’s eyes.  Being left out and left behind while everyone else moves on and moves forward and there I am making castles furtively while the tide just keep coming up and washing them away.  Me in my little Sisyphean limbo.
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And then I think, maybe it’s not fear of stagnation. Maybe it’s fear of loss.

Of caring so much and pouring my heart and soul into things and ideas and people and for what? To be a point of lost interest; to have my heart broken over and over and the message being translated back to me as I’m Just Not Good Enough. I bask in the comfort of being alone – but being lonely? That’s a whole nother beast and it frightens me. When I feel ineffective I feel lonely. When I feel expendable I feel lonely. When I feel I’ve disappointed or have no authority or am stuck in limbo or my heart is lying there on the floor in little mini glass shard pieces I feel lonely.
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So I slowly am training myself to stand up for my ideas and stand up for all I love.

I say it all the time in my classes, it’s even a catchphrase of mine: Fight for it, not against it.

So I’m fighting for it.

I’m training myself to fight for it. To offer my whole self not in hopes of changing anything or anyone, but in hopes of opening up doors and windows and sunroofs and those huge giant sunbeams spilling through and helping seeds sprout and making someone feel like shining.
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And if my heart gets broken it will be because it mattered, because my place mattered, not because I’m not good enough, not because I’ve been left to sit there, not because I’ve disappointed and become silent.