WANTcast 091: Now’s The Time For A Planned Freak-Out

WANTcast 091: Now’s The Time For A Planned Freak-Out

the WANTcast

It’s the most-used WANT exercise for a reason: it’s unexpected but it WORKS. Going through a major life transition, had a stressful month, or just wanting to take preventative measures to ensure you don’t have a *complete* meltdown when it all eventually feels like too much? You might be in need of a Planned Freak-Out.

In this episode we’ll talk about the origin story of the PFO, why it’s so different than any other goal-setting or self-reflection exercise you’ve done, and we’ll break down how to set yourself up for success in your own structured breakdown.


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SHOW NOTES: 

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Subscribe to The (Good) Word, delivered to your inbox on or around the 1st and 15th of each month
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This episode is in support of She Should Run, a nonpartisan nonprofit promoting leadership and encouraging women from all walks of life to run for office. By encouraging more women to run, She Should Run is building a more effective and representative government that can meet the challenges of the 21st century. To get involved or donate, visit sheshouldrun.org by clicking here.
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WANTcast 087: The 3 REAL Curse Words You Should Be Censoring (And How)

WANTcast 087: The 3 REAL Curse Words You Should Be Censoring (And How)

the WANTcast

Forget about F-bombs or the S-word…today we’re talking the REAL curse words that are causing us lasting harm. In this super-pragmatic yet personal episode, we’ll dive into why it is the words we use matter SO much, tackle what I call E.H.W.’s, and you’ll walk away with actual steps to censor these words in your life so they stop holding you back.

No words are inherently bad or good, but the three words in this episode are your new must-shifts. Consider them the New Wave Curse Words.


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SHOW NOTES:
Website
Instagram
Leave a review on iTunes
Subscribe to The (Good) Word, delivered to your inbox on or around the 1st and 15th of each month
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This episode is in support of Together Rising.
 Together Rising transforms collective heartbreak into effective action. Since 2012, Together Rising has raised over 2o million dollars, and 100% of what Together Rising receives from every personal donation goes directly to an individual, family, or cause in need. Together Rising identifies what is breaking the hearts of their givers, and connect the givers’ generosity with the people and organizations who are effectively addressing that critical need. To learn more, visit Together Rising’s website or follow them on Instagram.

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How To Actually Apologize (from a Highly Sensitive Person + Chronic Over-Apologizer)

How To Actually Apologize (from a Highly Sensitive Person + Chronic Over-Apologizer)

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You’ve heard it thrice already before breakfast.

In line for coffee.

When you hold the door.

An arm brushes against you unexpectedly at work. The yogi next to you scoots their mat a few inches to the right to make space. It’s a crowded class and knocks your elbow.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m so. so. sorry.

~

We live in a culture of over-apologizers. Sorry Not Sorry is a cute hashtag and a catchy Demi Lovato bop, but its resonance comes from a very real and very not-cute place: we’ve engrained Sorry so deeply into our vernacular that rebelling against it feels electric, almost dangerous. “Sorry” is a part of who we are.

The problem with over-apologizing isn’t just that it cuts away at our self-respect – how can we respect our own opinions if we’re constantly apologizing for them? – it’s also that an abundance of apologies makes us like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Or rather, the Girl Who Cried SORRY. You remember the story: there’s this kid. He’s watching some sheep. He thinks it’s HILARIOUS to yell, over and over, that there’s a wolf. The villagers rush out each time, terrified, only to be met by the little twerp laughing at them.

Of course, when a wolf finally DOES show up and he calls for help, no one believes him. Can you blame them?

 

If we’re known as a constant sorry-sayer, it doesn’t matter how genuinely sorry we are or how terrible we feel – our sorrys are not trustworthy and are deemed inauthentic. “Sorry” has become cheap, and is way too often associated with weakness or being a pushover.


But sometimes you screw up – majorly. Maybe it’s a missed deadline. Maybe you forget about important plans. Maybe you sleep through your alarm clock or lose a pair of borrowed earrings or think it’s Sunday when it’s actually Monday. Or maybe it’s worse.
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Whatever the case, you’re deeply sorry – yet don’t know how to accurately portray how sincere you really are without coming across as flippant, disingenuous, or just another sorry-monster.

How can we respect our own opinions if we're constantly apologizing for them? Click To Tweet

Saying “sorry” can be a way of protecting yourself from hurt (ie: “if I say sorry first, then maybe they’ll pity or empathize with me”) or clinging to relationships (ie: “if I say sorry, then they know they have the power”) instead of really, truly, feeling regret or sorrow over something you said or did.

But what about those times when you actually are sorry?

The most sensitive and aware of us are usually the ones that mistakes hit hardest. I highly doubt it’s just me that can/will dwell over a misspoken word or even a tone of voice that might have been “taken the wrong way.” I’ll dwell for days. Weeks. I mean, there are things I said or did in fifth grade I still stress over.

A sample from my collection of thoughts I’ve gathered over the years: Do they hate me? Will I get fired? Will he break up with me? Is my reputation dead? Should I just quit everything and start fresh where no one knows me? 

The act of saying “sorry” holds a lot more weight than others may realize – especially for you, you Sensitive Soul. The trick is to subtly shift the way you apologize and be the slow-yet-steady change you wish to see in the world (because change and mistakes go hand-in-hand).

Shift the way you apologize, and be the slow-yet-steady change you wish to see in the world - because change and mistakes go hand-in-hand. Click To Tweet

Here’s what I’ve learned when it comes to how to say sorry, for those of us who get hit the deepest by our own mistakes and want to make our apologies last longer than just five little letters:

FESS UP COMPLETELY.

When we’re in the wrong, it’s tempting to lean on stories, excuses, or even little white lies in hopes of getting us in the clear quicker. However legitimate (or convincing, in the case of little white lies) your story, you’ve gotta face the facts. The act has already been done, the opportunity has been lost, and you just might have let someone down. An explanation might be necessary, but not if it’s in hopes of defending yourself. An explanation and an excuse are two very different things. Fess up completely, and explain whatever you need to in order to support your apology, not ask for a free pass.

As for the “omission of truths?” I’ve found that white lies can be habit-forming, or just icky. Little white lies are like plaque on your soul, and can (and will) build up inside you. Over time, they morph into a weighty guilt that is way harder to shake than telling the truth ever would be.

GO FOR QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY.

When you’re truly sorry for something you did, the best thing to do first is accept full responsibility – but keep it concise. Long, drawn-out apologies can seem inauthentic and water down your true intentions. Side note, they can make you seem weak, which you’re not. Acknowledge your faux pas, acknowledge the fact that you fell below your usual standards for yourself, then turn your focus onto the other person (friend, boss, lover, whoever). Look the other person in the eye and listen to all they have to say. Prepare to be met with at least a little bit of anger, frustration, or sadness. You might get a lecture and your impulse might be to go into defense mode. But being fully present, fully accepting of both the other person’s perceptions and emotions, as well as your own inherently beautifully flawed humanity, is one of the noblest, strongest things you can do to move forward in an effective way.
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OFFER YOUR SERVICE.

Are you able to fix the situation? Get on it. Ask if there is anything you can do to help the situation – and offer clear-cut suggestions to prove you’re not just asking because you think you should. Is there something you can replace? Go find it. Is there an additional apology you can make to someone else? Go make it. Is there an errand you can run or a call you can make, or something unrelated yet needed that the other person values? Figure out what it is and make it happen. Being of service after a screw-up not only helps others feel good again, it helps you feel useful and proactive instead of ashamed and defeated.

MAKE A PREVENTION PLAN.

Ever heard that hindsight comes right after you need it most? Not necessarily. Forgive yourself first and foremost, then take at least one active step to prevent your mistake from happening again. Find yourself sleeping through your alarm when you’ve had a long day/week/month? Schedule a free wake-up call online. Work mostly off of memory or your phone’s calendar? Maybe an old-school, handheld Day Planner is what will help you stay organized (I personally need to take this advice – something about pen-to-paper keeps me on track like no app ever could). Did your mistake involve more of a slip of the tongue or an offensive remark? Start practicing extreme compassion and empathy in every single one of your interactions throughout the day. Constantly ask yourself what would make you feel good, how you would want to be treated, how you would want someone to breach a difficult topic to you. Basically, be the kindest, most thoughtful person you know.

 

The way you’re wired might be different than others, but the simple act of exercising empathy on a day-to-day basis could be the thing that saves you from a major misstep in the future. And if it doesn’t? You know what to do to make your apology count.

 


WANT Yourself:
In the comments below, tell me about a time you made a mistake and had to apologize. What did you do to mend the situation or relationship? What was the lesson you learned as a result? Has it shaped the way you do things today?

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a version of this post originally appeared on the chalkboard mag in 2014

Breaking Out Of Negative Cueing

Breaking Out Of Negative Cueing

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I’VE BEEN teaching group fitness classes for over a decade – way before it was trendy and cool, and definitely way before “fitpros” were the new It celebrities they are right now. This was back when  people thought “spinning” classes meant twirling around in circles for 45 minutes, and when that one old friend of mine so casually commented, “You’re not planning on becoming the ‘exercise girl’ for the rest of your life, are you?”

The industry has changed a lot since I began, but the thing that’s remained at the core of fitness is that it’s rarely ever truly about the fitness part alone. What we do in the gym is practice for what we do out in the world – and fitness advice is life advice disguised in sweat and squat-jumps.

Fitness advice is life advice disguised in sweat and squat-jumps. Click To Tweet

WHENEVER WE’RE working out, we’re shifted into a vulnerable state. Whether we’re doing vinyasas or vying for a new running PR, our breath deepens, our heart starts beating faster, and we’re thrust (or eased gently from a seated cross-legged position) into a state of self-imposed stress. And let me clarify: not all stress is ultimately BAD. It’s what we do within those moments of stress that stick with us. It’s the stress that gets us vulnerable, and the vulnerability that allows us to be open to shifting for better or worse in the long run.

And so if fitness advice is really life advice, then what we say (and how we say it) as leaders in that space matters. A lot.

Because what you hear is what you will internalize, and what you internalize will be the language you use out in the world to speak to others and yourself, way after you’ve gone on with your day.

NEGATIVE CUEING is a term used in fitness that generally describes any sort of phrasing that uses what you don’t want to happen as the main motivator. Think, “don’t arch your back.”

Negative cueing isn’t just saying “Don’t do X,” though. Negative cueing is anything that makes the person listening feel like who and how they are isn’t enough.

~
Negative cueing can look like…

  • It’ll be over soon (implying the current experience is worth skipping over)
  • I know you hate me right now (they probably don’t, but you just planted the seed that maybe they should)
  • Burn off that happy hour! (equates what you eat to how much you need to exercise, and that exercise should be food-motivated)
  • Ladies grab X weight, Men grab X weight (not everyone identifies as a “lady” or “man” and therefore you run the risk of people feeling left out – also this reinforces sexist assumptions; I know many women who can out-lift men ANY day)
  • You can do better than that! (um. maybe that IS their best??)
  • That’s not good enough, give more! (along the same lines; this might be their best work – but also shames the work they’re doing)
  • I know you want to fit into those new jeans / get that summer six-pack/ etc (implies everyone who works out is dissatisfied with how they look – and, moreover, probably should be)
  • Don’t give up (implies the person was going to give up at some point)
  • You know you can SMILE (omg please don’t force me to smile – give me something to smile about and I will)
  • I know you want to quit, but… (no, I actually did not, please don’t underestimate me) 

    i did this shoot, in this shirt i owned, within the first five years of teaching. while i still think the photos turned out badassedly, i don’t believe that “work harder” (printed here in reverse so you can read it in the mirror – cool concept for sure) is the best way to motivate someone to work harder.

Negative cueing can also look like self-deprecation in order to “connect.” Stuff like sharing with your clients/students/members how much you hate your thighs or how much you ate last night and need to “burn off.” Might feel cute or “down-to-earth” in the moment, but it’s reinforcing a dangerous epidemic we already fall prey to of bonding over negativity.

It doesn’t matter how “inspiring” you are or what cute tweetables you’ve got lined up to sprinkle throughout your class. If you’re not modeling self-acceptance, self-love, and what the journey TOWARD that actually looks like, your words are just words.

 

IF YOU’RE STILL reading this, are not a fitness professional, and wonder how or why this applies to you…think of all the times we cue negatively in our own lives. We do it to ourselves, and we do it to each other. We think we’re offering advice, being helpful, or inspiring someone else – but the hard truth is, it doesn’t matter how good your intentions are if your impact is creating a shame loop in someone else.
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It doesn't matter how good your intentions are if your impact is creating a shame loop in someone else. Click To Tweet

Anyone can study the objective facts. Anyone can teach a class or train a client. Literally. Anyone. You can buy the course online. But the way you talk, act, and live is what actually makes a difference in someone’s life in the long run. For better or worse.

 


Here are some alternatives for the negative cueing above:

Instead of: It’ll be over soon!
Try: Can you give your all to this moment? (implying the current experience is one worth having)

Instead of: I know you hate me right now…
Try: I’m your biggest fan right now (lets them know you’re their ally)

Instead of: Burn off that happy hour!
Try: Literally just not talking about food. Just…don’t do it.

Instead of: Ladies grab X weight, Men grab X weight.
Try: Grab a weight that feels (insert a feeling or a number of reps you’d like them to perform with said weight, so they can gage what they need for themselves). If you don’t know what that is, call me over and I can help you figure it out.

Instead of: You can do better than that!
Try: If you were to give your all, what would that look like? (ask a question and have them come up with the answer themselves!)

Instead of: That’s not good enough, give more!
Try: Can you maintain your work…or even surprise yourself by giving just a little more? (emphasizes the work they’re in as good enough, while giving an option to go farther if they can)

Instead of: I know you want to fit into those new jeans / get that summer six-pack/ etc.
Try: How do you want to feel after this workout is over? (redirects focus to a feeling instead of a look)

Instead of: Don’t give up.
Try: Keep going, you’ve got this.

Instead of: You know you can SMILE… 
Try: Not telling people how to react or emote – everyone processes their emotions differently.

Instead of: I know you want to quit, but… 
Try: You’re doing so great. (simple as that!)

~

NOT SURE if your cueing is negative or not? Find a mentor. Ask them to come take your class and keep their ears open for anything that could be improved upon. Not a fitness professional but want to monitor the negative cueing in your own life? Dedicate a week to hyper self-awareness. Maybe even tell a close friend, coworker, roommate, or partner that you want their help in calling out your language.

What we do in the gym is just practice for what we do in life - and I want all the practice I can get. Click To Tweet
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Oh…and as for that friend who asked if I was going to be “the exercise girl” for the rest of my life? That comment that made me doubt my path, my abilities, and my legitimacy as a professional adult trying to find her way in the world?

I sure hope so.

I sure hope that, in some capacity, I am up on that podium, all mic’d up, with my words out there in the open for everyone to hear. And if not, I hope I’m going to classes, keeping sweat dates with myself, or lacing up my shoes for a long run. Because what we do in the gym is just practice for what we do in life – and I want all the practice I can get.
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all photos by jesse deyoung
Blind Optimism.

Blind Optimism.

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My amusement park ride of choice as a highly sensitive kid was the carousel. No big drops. No unexpected moves. No aggressive sounds or strobe light effects. Just an expected gallop in the round. I could get on my favorite horse and, for three whole minutes (or more), escape from everyone and everything around me (or more).

I’m a Libra, and true to my astrological nature, I appreciate aesthetic. So of course, part of the appeal was that I loved how pretty they were. Anyone who has ever visited an amusement park or fairground knows: carousels are very, very pretty. Porcelain hollow horses and spherical moulding on loop.

Most carousels cost mere quarters to ride, so it’s easy to just stay on and go around in circles ad nauseam. A tactic I vividly remember employing on one particular trip to the Santa Monica Pier when the roller coasters and target-shooting games felt too overwhelming to even walk around. Those were scary. The carousel made me smile. So I stayed on.

But the thing about rides is that they need to end at some point. At SOME point, the carousel needs to stop. You get off your literal high-horse, and you’re faced with the world beyond the beautiful lights and porcelain fairytale creatures. And if you’ve stayed on too long, there’s a good chance you’ll stumble off a bit more than wobbly.


Our culture has a negativity problem and a cynicism problem – but we also have an optimism problem.

To be clear: Living with an optimistic outlook on life is a strength. No doubts there. Living optimistically usually means you’re forward-thinking and naturally see what could be. You find the beauty in the seemingly possible, instead of the darkness in the seemingly inevitable. No, optimism (lower-case-o, neutral tone) by itself isn’t bad at all.

HOWEVER. Just like anything, there’s a necessary energetic balance that makes optimism actually work.

If you pay very close attention, you’ll feel the disconnect when optimism starts to go downhill. When it happens, that once-proactive optimism will start to shut out the realities of life as a means of avoidance, and chalk it up to “looking on the sunny side of life” or a “glass-half-full” mentality.

How does this happen? How can something so inherently good betray us?

I call it Blind Optimism.

 

Blind Optimism is what happens when you rely on your positive outlook to ignore, shut out, fabricate and gloss over your life. It can minimize experiences and eat you alive – just like Casual Negativity, cynicism, auto-pilot pessimism, and projection. It can gnaw away at your spirit, your relationships, and roll a haze of oblivion over your existence.

Blind optimism makes me dizzy – just like carousels. Blind Optimism turns me away from facts and reality in favor of the shiny, pretty thing around the corner. I get onboard and go in circles over and over and over and over until I get dizzy and lose my bearings.


When you find yourself caught in a nonstop-carousel-ride moment of Blind Optimism, one of two things starts to happen:

a) The carousel stops being fun and eventually breaks down. There’s only so much you can give. There’s always a breaking point when it comes to extremes. Always.

b) The carousel becomes annoying, saccharine, and dismissable; something other people tire of and don’t want to go near. It’s cheesy and trite at best, ignorant and entitled at worst. You become a part of a fairy tale world playing on loop – one that’s in no way a reflection of real life. You find yourself alone, on a ride going nowhere.

We love fullest and deepest when we love others FOR their strengths and weaknesses, similarities and differences – not in spite of them. Click To Tweet

I’m known for being able to see the good in things. One of my friends calls me “aggressively optimistic.” And when we’re all stuck in the collective doldrums together, I’m often asked how I stay so optimistic.

The funny thing is – I don’t view myself as a glass-half-full Optimist. Pollyanna was admirable, but always bugged me for some reason (which made me feel guilty, of course – sorry Hayley Mills). I always loved the brilliantly crafted songs and rad penguin dance parties in Mary Poppins, but the Practically Perfect nanny was never relatable to me.
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When asked for my “secret,” I reveal that I’m not really a bona fide Optimist (capital O, chipper voice).


My brand of positivity isn’t about what’s GOOD or BAD, it’s about what’s pragmatic and proactive instead of unrealistic and reactive.


Life’s ups and downs are inevitable, and some moments will seem more hope-filled than others. So what can you do about it?

You can see the facts in front of you and the projected outcomes ahead of you, and you can root for the positive while still recognizing the negative. It’s not about putting on blinders and ignoring that things aren’t perfectly in place or might go awry – or maybe already have in a major way. It’s about taking in the world as is, seeing the full spectrum of its experience and existence, and choosing to proactively fight for an outcome that uplifts us collectively.

It’s like true love: we love fullest and deepest when we love others FOR their strengths and weaknesses, similarities and differences – not in spite of them.

 

optimism

To break away from Blind Optimism and into Pragmatic, Proactive Positivity, our love of life and love of self MUST transcend those pitfalls and darkness. It starts by moving forward through things instead of around them. It starts with granting ourselves permission to let our Self-Like to ebb and flow (because it’s normal and because we’re human) and by viewing Self-Love as the kind of unconditional, unbreakable love that no high-high or low -ow can affect.

To break away from Blind Optimism and into Pragmatic, Proactive Positivity, we must let go of rushing into the search for how good things CAN be in the future (or not), and instead sit with how good things are right NOW (or not). We must begin to look at the glass not as half empty or half full, but as a glass that’s being sipped from every moment.
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Easy but nuanced. Simple yet scary. It’s not easy work, but it’s right work. And it’s the work that’ll lead us to finding our genuine smiles, without the help of the ceramic ponies and the carousel leading nowhere.
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Look at the glass not as half empty or half full, but as a glass that's being sipped from every moment. Click To Tweet

 

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The Gift-Free Holiday Guide: Our Top 6 Posts On How To Survive (and THRIVE) This Season

The Gift-Free Holiday Guide: Our Top 6 Posts On How To Survive (and THRIVE) This Season

Community Most Popular Posts Tips + Tools

'Tis the season for joy, laughter...and a lot of conflicting emotions around family, food, spending, socializing, and more. 

Instead of a gift guide this year, I thought I'd give you something you can use through the season and beyond: a field guide of some of our WANT community's favorite tips, tools, and resources to shift your self-talk, especially during the most wonderful time of the year.

Scroll through, then gift this holiday guide to a friend who might need some extra support this season...

Merry Everything!


 

SETTING (MINDFUL) BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR FAMILY DURING THE HOLIDAYS + BEYOND


Setting boundaries (mindful boundaries) with our loved ones right now is crucial to not only our sanity, but to our relationships with our relatives. For most of us, we’re only with our extended fam a few times throughout the year, so it’s important that when we're all together, we’re working to build the kinds of relationships – and, so cliché, but the kinds of memories – we want to have.
 READ MORE ➪

 

I WAS SO BAD: BREAKING OUT OF FOOD GUILT

Even the teeniest bit of food guilt is more than likely to arise at one point or another, especially during the holidays. To fight against food guilt and fight FOR the body that deserves to be loved (<-yours!), put these three tips to use year-round. READ MORE ➪

 

AN INTROVERT’S GUIDE TO BEING SOCIAL (WITH SOUL)

Parties make you sweat...but also don't want to miss out on holiday cheer? I hear ya. Introversion and extroversion are not black and white; every single person has a bit of both inside them. The trick is not to try and change yourself into an extrovert or go against what feels true to you – it’s to know how to play up your strengths no matter the situation. Here are 7 ways to stay social while still being true to who you are at your core – no faking required. READ MORE 

DO’SHA KNOW: AYURVEDIC STRESS RELIEF 101


ayurvedic stress relief ayurveda sahara rose

Stress is high year-round, but during the holidy months it seems to runneth over. Sahara’s take on stress: find your dosha and go from there. Think this is just another personality test? Ayurveda is about way more than the individual. It’s about living in harmony with the world around you, too. Take the quiz: READ MORE ➪

HOW TO DO A PLANNED FREAK-OUT

I can't get over how many of you have told me that this exercise is LIFE-CHANGING. I don't know about that...but I do know it has prevented many a meltdown in my own life, and also made me stay focused on what really matters. Here's how to do one. READ MORE ➪

 

ON SPENDING WISELY + LETTING THE GUILT GO

Maybe GIFT-GIVING is your love language. That's totally okay. Here's how to curb mindless spending...and how to check yourself when you're in the midst of "retail therapy." READ MORE ➪