Iโve always been a sucker for late 90s, early 2000s rom-coms.ย The soundtracks! The star power! The good person getting the job and winning the man!
(thereโs always the man. more on that in a sec.)
I still love me a good rom-com for sentimental reasons.ย But the most clichรฉd ones? Theyโre now rough to watch. Many require you to majorly suspend your disbelief as you watch a completely problematic and unrealistic situation magically work itself out, and many (at least many of the early ones) reinforced a trope created in decades prior that looking, acting, and responding in a very particular way will get you what you want and deserve in life.
My main issue with rom coms when I watch them now, however, is this:
In many of these so-called โgirl poweredโ movies, the storyline follows women positioning themselves as experts in a field, but somehow, theyโre unable to tackle the problems theyโre so good at solving when those problems hit the closest to home (dating expert, advice columnist, wedding plannerโฆyou get the gist). Thatโs usually when the man โ or someone else โ comes in and saves her or shows her the light. Itโs rare that weโre shown how to move forward fearlessly when shit gets real, and how to do it on our own. And the message is that when darkness or hardship looms, someoneย orย somethingย will swoop in to save us and make us feel worthwhile again.
Screw that.
We need a new model for what to do when it all feels like too much.
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You can know yourย through-line, crushย Casual Negativity,ย and be a pro at shifting your self-talkโฆwhen life is going pretty well overall.ย But what happens when the you-know-what hits the fan, and it keeps hitting the fan? What happens when youโre in major need of a WIN, and that win just isnโt coming your way?
Here are five strategies for when life wonโt let up:
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1.) Focus on getting to NOW-Normal instead of BACK-To-Normal.
When things suck, we want to make them not-suck. We want to โget back to normalโ or โthe way things were back then.โ THEN, of course, being a time when there were limited obstacles and you felt in control. This is totally expected and totally natural.
However, normal NOW isnโt the same as normal THEN. Youโve got a new normal in the Now.
Instead of trying to force old habits into a new set of circumstances, focus on acceptingย this new normal โ not trying to adjust to make things like โwhat they were,โ but maximizing โhow they ARE.โย What might have been easy or routine for you before simply might not work as well for your lifestyle right now.
If something doesnโt really stick, you have full permission to move on. If thereโs a spark there, try it again. And again. And again.CLICK TO TWEET
Making lifestyle choices and developing positive habits, then, become like a game. What WILL feel good? What WILL stick? Inย this episode of the WANTcast with Lynn Chen,ย she tells us that when her father died and she was too overcome with grief to do anything, she treated her life like she was recovering from amnesia. Trying things out, from foods to workouts, to see what resonated and what didnโt. ZERO pressure to stick with one thing, and ZERO ties to what once worked.
When life feels the most challenging, do like Lynn and do a scavenger hunt to find your Now-Normal. If something doesnโt really stick, you have full permission to move on. If thereโs a spark there, try it again. And again. And again.
2.) Perform a simple act of self-care.
When your heart feels heavy, when life feels too complicated, when getting out the door is a feat worth celebrating,hereโs a list I wrote of some small yet highly effective ways to keep yourself goingย โย everything from folding your laundry to sending one single email.
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3.) Schedule out white space.
I am NOTHING for ANYONE if I am not GROUNDING for myself. And so when shit starts to hit the fan โ or when everything, good or not-so-good, feels like itโs coming at me all at once โ I schedule whatโs called โwhite space.โย Itโs time that is all your own, that you donโt plan to fill and donโt schedule over. Itโs both everything and nothingness.
It can be an hour. It can be three minutes. It doesnโt need to be formalized โmeditation.โ It doesnโt need to be productive OR unproductive.ย But Iโve learned that white space time, time that belongs to ME and ME ALONE, time thatโs like the โwhite spaceโ on a canvas โ TBD, no paint, open to possibility โ is a deal maker or breaker for me.ย If I donโt take time to reconnect to myself with no external stimuli or things to answer to, and donโt take time when I need it most, I end up going off the rails.
When shit gets real, I pause and remember who the F I am and what the F I stand for. Without anyone telling me who I am or what I SHOULD BE. Click To Tweet
After I wrote about myย Instgram bully, I had many people write to me privately about their experiences with harassment and, specifically, others telling them to feel compassion for their bully as a coping mechanism. And how fucking INFURIATING that can be. For me, itโs moments like these that remind me why I practice white-space-moments on the regular.ย So that when shit gets realโฆwhen Iโm hurt, when Iโm highly emotionally triggeredโฆI can pause even for a SECOND and remember who the F I am and what the F I stand for.ย Without anyone telling me who I am or what I SHOULD BE.ย Itโs in these moments, these seemingly-millisecond moments, Iโm able to do the thing thatโs most proactive, not reactive (see last point). That Iโm able to be the way I know Iโm meant to be, not the way someone else told me I should respond.
I practice those white-space moments not for the moments Iโm necessarily in. But for the moments in the future when Iโll need them most.ย Itโs sunglasses in the subway and walking back and forth outside before I go and join the party. Itโs hiding in the bathroom before networking not because Iโm scared but because I canโt bear to not be myself. Itโs what I do when the stakes are low so I know where to go when the stakes are high. Itโs not the most sexy or socially acceptable thing but itโs what keeps me going. Itโs not easy work, but it sure is right.
4.) Nix the one-sided emotional labor and replace it with a two-sided emotional investment.
This one is maybe the most profound (and hardest) for me. Emotional labor is what it sounds like: doing the emotional work to make something function. Itโs actually a good thing, but becomes dangerous when it is ridiculously one-sidedโฆand in which case, itโs usually the women who are doing the work.
Emotional labor can look like being the one who is constantly dissecting your friendโs toxic relationships and convincing them to see the light (then they do it again and you do it again, and so on and so forth). Emotional labor can look like putting on a happy face for your partner and โbeing a lightโ for them as they continuously stew in their own troubles. Emotional labor can mean decoding the unspoken subtext at work so that everyone can actually get things done. Emotional labor is brushing off micro-aggressions because theyโre โnot really that bigโ and โnot really worth itโ andย excusing your bully in the name of โcompassion.โย Emotional labor is why itโs so exhausting to be a barista or a server or in the service/hospitality industry in any capacity: youโre soaking in the emotions of each and every customer, many of whom are taking their daily aggravations out on you. Itโs your job to keep the peace and โput a smile on their face.โ
If youโre in the service/hospitality industry, there are going to be parts of one-sided emotional labor that are unavoidable โ you need to figure out your own personal boundaries, makes, and breaks. But letโs talkย outsideย of those instances.
Emotional labor is taxing, and gives all your good stuff to others while leaving zilch for yourself.ย You canโt drink from an empty well, so to speak.ย And itโs when weโre feeling empty, depleted, and emotionally dehydrated that things turn really dark.
Emotional investments might not be two-ways in the moment, but you've got proof points that when you need it, you'll be getting that investment back in your direction. Click To Tweet
An emotional INVESTMENT, however, is different. By definition, an investment is โan act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with theย expectationย of a worthwhile result.โ Start-ups present investors with data, proof points, and projections for a reason: to let them know their money isnโt going to waste and their investment wonโt make them go bankrupt.
With an emotional investment, if youโre devoting your emotional time, effort, and energy to something, youโre going to see a return.ย Emotional investments might not be two-ways in the moment, but youโve got proof points that when you need it, youโll be getting that investment back in your direction. Thatโs why investors donโt just pour money into companies that sound cool, and why you shouldnโt invest in people who arenโt going to ever give back to you.ย Thatโs not being a friend. Thatโs being a savior, and dehydrating and bankrupting yourself of your most valuable assets.
When youโre feeling like the bad stuff wonโt stop, immediately cut ties from one-sided emotional labor.ย This is the time your emotional investments should be making a return in the form of love, check-ins, and support while you slowly start to build up your emotional funds again. Itโsย notย the time for you to mindlessly spend as you continue to overdraft.
5.) Ask yourself: is this decision PROACTIVE or REACTIVE?
When making decisions during tough, emotionally heavy times, I always ask, โIs this decision proactive, or reactive?โย Its a practice that got me through a really horrible breakup in my 20s and itโs yet to fail me. Am I reacting to my situation and letting it dictate my actions, or am I proactively moving THROUGH the darkness, the fear, the anger, the confusion, the whatever-it-is, to make my way through to the other side?ย Hereโs a postย I wrote for some encouragement when it comes to taking and embracing the small steps that end up making a huge difference.
Am I reacting to my situation and letting it dictate my actions, or am I proactively moving THROUGH the darkness to make my way through to the other side? Click To Tweet
Above all, know that the know is not the forever.ย This is a moment in time โ a chapter of your story. And while itโs just one chapter, how you choose to read it will inform how you view the other chapters to come.
The storm will pass and the dust will settle, and youโll still be standing. But the great thing is, you wonโt need saving, and you wonโt need anyone to โshow you the light.โ You get to be the star, and you get to write your own success story.
powerful cover photo byย shamia casiano
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