i am grateful.

i am grateful.

Community Love Motivation + Inspiration Shift Of Power

i am grateful for the discomfort

the wonderful blissful discomfort that keeps me squirming on questions

i am grateful for the questions, the asking, the search. the way my mind cannot sit still and tells stories like a choose-your-own-ending mystery book

i loved those.

i am grateful for the search and the stories

for they keep me away from the escape routes and the complacency and the “it’s just how life is”

because really, nothing ever is Just How Life Is. what a cop-out!

there is ALWAYS a search, ALWAYS a question, ALWAYS  a brilliant mystery that can’t really be objectively solved, because the solution is in the choice and lord knows we’ve got a chapter book’s worth of those.

i know no answers and i know no endings. i do not know how to just forget you or start over fresh or blank my slate or speak without ellipses…

everything is linked and my sense of time is majorly skewed for someone too young to blur it all together. 20something years seems like yesterday and i can still feel the hurt when my preschool teacher told me to stop staring at the drawings hung up on the wall (that, side note, I drew) and get in line with the other kids.

i would hurt over EVERYTHING, and i don’t really know why i remember it all.

i remember the sights of my classrooms, the fantastical laundry chute in my best friend’s house, the Calvin Klein hand lotion my second grade teacher kept on her desk, that i stole pill-sized drops of because the floral scent made me feel like I was part of the adult world. i remember walking around the hospital gift shop with my grandmother while waiting to visit my new baby brother – she bought me a fancy doll I picked out in a white wedding gown. I didn’t pick her because she was a bride. i picked her because, obviously, she was the prettiest one there and, obviously, the only one who had her shit together to make herself look like a sophisticated classy lady. all the others were in cheesy kids clothes.

i am so grateful for my age and this feeling i have that i don’t belong. let me be ageless! let me be the misfit, the odd girl out, the one who knows she is mortal and time is limited but really doesn’t get freaked out because she knows we have all the time we need, no more, no less.

let me bask in this aloneness, this beautiful weirdo of a soul that uncontrollably loves and lives such an unbridled passionate existence that it sometimes hurts. i was a 56 hour labor. i mean, what baby takes 56 hours to say What Up? this one right here. i’m convinced it was because of the love i already possessed; the fear that if i was separated from my mother that i wouldn’t be secure in that love any more. i loved her so much i could not bear the thought of being apart. i think that was it.

and here I am, twentysomething years later. what up. still in a state of wonderment and still loving so furiously that i can never separate myself from it. it kicks me in the ass when i have obligations i cannot fulfill or when i make a call a day too late or reach out when i already know there will be no response.

but how grateful am I that it’s not the response that keeps me alive?

how grateful am I that I see the moment and the nuance and the twinkle that ultimately makes up the mosaic of my bigger-picture self?

how grateful am i for the void that i never ever want to go away because it holds me in the brilliant discomfort of not knowing…

I Am Grateful: An Unexpected Note Of Gratitude. Click To Tweet
my advanced practice.

my advanced practice.

Body Motivation + Inspiration Shift Of Power

My advanced practice is not a headstand
Or a handstand
Or that twisty arm balancy thingy I learned to do last year after days on end of trying.

My advanced practice isn’t how deep I twist

Or how floaty I get

Or how I move in rhythm with everyone else in the room perfectly without fail.

My level 3 class does not involve higher weights

Or quicker reps

Or all those fancy things people (still) do on a bike.

My advanced class is not 75 minutes, or 90, or a three hour stretch
Because really, who cares about numbers.

Do I impress you? That’s on you.

Do I seem weak? That’s on you, too.

Because my advanced practice happens that second I shift from asleep to awake
The SECOND I move for no one but me.

Have you ever reached your arms out in child’s pose, pressing through the ground, spreading your body so fiercely onto the mat you think it might stick?

Because let me tell you, that is something.

My advanced practice happens when I skip a pose,

Or two,

Or three,

Or a whole eight minutes in a row

Because it moves me so much that all I can do is lay there in awe.

My level threes happen in the quietest moments, the longest holds,

The times when I can feel my soul coming alive not from a shape but from a spark inside.

Because my advanced classes and level X practice happens in less than 60 minutes, or 30, or 20, or more, or 90. My advanced practice is not about a number I can show off because “oh look how strong I am for going so long” – it’s about working and living and breathing smart, intention, intuitively.

It’s about “modifying” (I hate that word) pushups on my knees and then not the day after, it’s about sleeping through my workout altogether and being EVEN MORE OF A BADASS. It’s about not the quantity of my perceived excellence, but the quality of my intelligently-used soul time that maybe only I feel inside. I hope I only feel it inside; it’s my precious fuel that allows me to keep going.

It’s not about what it looks like, it’s about what it feels like.

It’s not about touching my toes, it’s about touching my soul.

My advanced practice is not slow or fast, it is what I decide to feel right. It exists with no distractions, it allows me to meet myself every time without fail. My “power” class is the one in which I fall into a deep savasana, rolling over at the end to realize everything yet nothing is quite the same.

I love my twisty arm balance thingy and upside down is very nice.
But my advanced practice involves none of that.
Anyone who tells you differently has probably been in a beginner class all along.

It’s not about what it looks like, it’s about what it feels like. Click To Tweet