WANTcast 060: On Boosting Your Confidence, Releasing Control, Loneliness, “Finding Your People,” and more! (Q+A Episode, Season Three Finale)

WANTcast 060: On Boosting Your Confidence, Releasing Control, Loneliness, “Finding Your People,” and more! (Q+A Episode, Season Three Finale)

the WANTcast

For the final episode of Season Three, it’s all about you and YOUR questions. After a quick recap of 2018 and Season Three, we dive into five questions from YOU, the WANT community, having to do with boosting your confidence (especially when you’re simultaneously trying/needing to uplift others) achieving your goals while staying charged up and energized, “trusting the timing of life” and releasing control when it’s the most frustrating to do so, how to deal with hurtful/toxic social media interactions, and – the big one – why so many of us are SO damn lonely and how to find those friends and communities we crave as adults.

Stay tuned until the end – there’s a special announcement about the future of the WANTcast and what 2019 has in store for WANT (hint, it involves you)!

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*Thank you so much for everything you give to WANT, and to me, and to each other, on a daily basis. I appreciate you and adore you more than I could ever even begin to express. So happy we’re in this together. ONWARD!*

 

Show Notes:
On Insta-Bullies and “The High Road”

Making Friends As An Adult Pt 1
Making Friends As An Adult Pt 2
Reframing Regret
Mindful Social Media
Woke + Wired Podcast
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On Loneliness.

On Loneliness.

Community Love Most Popular Posts Motivation + Inspiration

Lonely hits at the most unexpected times – in line at the bank, driving your car out of your garage into the sunshine of a Sunday morning. Propped up on your elbow on a half-made bed, listening to new music at 2 a.m. It comes when it’s quiet and you are not, or maybe when everything around you is vibrant and you tiptoe in, or when you look in your refrigerator and realize you need to buy something other than condiments and wine. Lonely is a disconnect, a conscious choice or a unexpected wave.

Lonely hits you when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself like you used to. You’re a real live adult – when did that happen? Your hair does this wavy thing it never did before. There is something different in your eyes; what is it? Oh that’s it – it’s clarity, it’s vision, they are the eyes strained from holding themselves so wide open. It’s the look of time passed and dreams in flux and the realization that everything you want is not necessarily everything you need. It’s the body that’s changed shape by the day, week, year, decade, and the idea that even our own selves are not a constant.

Lonely is not a relationship status; lonely isn’t crowded or alone. Lonely is the aching for wide-open exchange, and no matter how many friends you have or how great your love life is or how perfect your job is, lonely is the confusion that sets in when you wonder, when you hold back, or when the external becomes a guise or overcompensation.

We can feel more lonely surrounded by others than when we’re in a room alone. The blocked energy and the questions, they suffocate and they hurt. Usually when we’re feeling lonely, we’re asking questions or holding back. Or holding out, really, because so much of our loneliness is based in the responses we’re hoping to get outside of ourselves.

And the tricky part is that lonely cannot be solved by being social, by going out, or by striking up a conversation. Lonely is vague. Lonely is living hazily, living in parentheticals and footnotes and swift asides and question marks lined up like window decorations. Lonely is what happens when you question the way you give. Lonely is love with nowhere to go.

Lonely is what happens when you ache to uplift; lonely is the first guest to arrive and the lingering last guest to leave. Lonely is the self-aware, the uncharacteristically quiet, the first two layers unpeeled instead of the whole dissected onion. Lonely is the song you try to sing; it’s wishing to sing and not getting the chance. It’s all of the trying and wishing, really. It’s missing your friend because you both evolved in different ways and just don’t relate any more, or it’s getting a solution instead of a shoulder. Lonely is that necklace that you wore so well, that’s now neglected because you just can’t get the tangles out – it’s the change that comes with time and the transience of life in general.

Healing from loneliness is…well, it’s tough. It requires immense courage, unabashed honesty, and a strong cocktail of selflessness and trust.

The opposite of loneliness isn’t just togetherness. It’s connection.

It’s care.

It’s love.

The opposite of loneliness isn’t just togetherness. It’s connection. Click To Tweet

We’re fighting loneliness when we ask the teller at the bank, with genuine interest, “How is your day going?” We’re fighting loneliness when we are feeling disconnected from our family or friends or significant other but tell them we love them anyway, without caring about the response or aching for reciprocity. We’re fighting loneliness when we take a lunch break and bring our coworker coffee just the way she likes it. We fight loneliness with little acts throughout the day of thoughtfulness and intimate authenticity.

When I start to feel lonely, different, sequestered in my own personal black hole, I have trained myself to become just a tad bit more expressive. Because that is the answer to a much bigger question than how to fight the temporary feeling of lonely: the question of what my soul really, truly wants and desires.

The one common thread between all of us is that we want to feel loved. So to battle my own loneliness, I shift gears and do what I can to make someone else feel loved. It makes me feel like my heart is in use; because lonely is my heart feeling stagnant. This is my way of courageously and effectively going about my quest for fulfillment, wholeness and connection on a soul level.

So go ahead, give your love somewhere to go. No alternate agenda or quest for reciprocity. Just a simple moment of care and connection; a fleeting one, even. Delete your footnotes and erase your parentheses. Show your care, own the person who is so uniquely you. Let it fill your heart as you fill the hearts of others. Trust it will. Heal your loneliness by reminding someone “You’re not alone. We’re connected. Let’s do this together.”




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a version of this was originally published in 2015 and has been edited throughout

Shift Of Power: Lonely Is Love With Nowhere To Go.

Shift Of Power: Lonely Is Love With Nowhere To Go.

Body Community Love Most Popular Posts Motivation + Inspiration Shift Of Power Work

Shift Of Power is a new series on WANT that explores the darker parts of our emotions, empowers us to embrace them, and shows us how they can make us stronger. From loneliness and “uncoolness” to fear and jealousy, Shift Of Power shines a light on the shadows of our psyche – recognizing that these are very real parts of us and can, in fact, serve a higher purpose if we allow ourselves to feel them full-force. Part prose, part essay, part self exploration, Shift Of Power looks at the inner workings of what we truly want from a whole new angle. Because in order to want it all, you need to learn to feel it all. That, my friends, is power.


lonely

It’s 5:09. Jeremy just left and the house is silent. The turntable’s still singing (yes, we listen to records), the laundry’s still running; the armchair still caves where he sat and did work. I look at the dishwasher waiting to be loaded, the stacks of books just waiting to be read. My thoughts are wanting to be written, my ears distracted by the noise.

And the loneliness stings.

Loneliness hits at the most unexpected times – avocado shopping at the grocery store, sitting in traffic on The 5, driving your car out of your garage into the sunshine of 11am Sunday. It’s undiscerning and undiscriminating, and it certainly doesn’t wear a watch. It comes when life is quiet and you are not, or maybe when everything around you is vibrant and you tiptoe in – or when you look in your refrigerator and realize you need to buy something other than condiments and wine to have on hand at all times.

Lonely is a disconnect, a conscious choice or a unexpected wave.

Loneliness hurts in a way that’s obscure. It’s an absence, sure; but a confusion of sorts. It settles on in when you’re making other plans, or maybe when you choose that you need something more.

Lonely hits you when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself like you used to. You’re a real live adult, when did that happen?

Your body curves in a whole new direction; there is something different in your eyes. What is it? They’re worn and they’re wild, they’re eyes that are strained from holding themselves so wide open for so. very. long.

It’s the look of time passed and dreams in flux. It’s the realization that everything you want is not necessarily everything you need.

Clarity. Vision.

Soften your gaze.

Lonely is the body that’s changed shape by the day, week, year, decade, the supporting examples of this idea that even our own selves are not constant or reliable.

Your body is reliable.

Lonely is what happens when you ache to uplift; lonely is the first guest to arrive and the lingering last guest to leave. Lonely is the self-aware, the uncharacteristically quiet, the first two layers unpeeled instead of the whole dissected onion.

Lonely is the half-budded, thirsty flower with the bright pink petals and the golden pollen, just waiting to burst, just wishing to color the landscape and feed the bees.

Lonely is the song you try to sing instead of just sing. It’s wishing to sing and not getting the chance.

It’s all of the trying and wishing, really.

Lonely is missing your friend because you both evolved in different ways and just don’t relate any more. Lonely is getting a solution instead of a shoulder. Lonely is missing the familiar reliability of life, the structure of tradition, the ease of just be-ing for a whole forever and that being enough. It’s wanting to dance.

Lonely is that necklace that you wore so well, that one that’s now neglected because you just can’t get the tangles out.

Lonely is the change that comes with time and the transience of life in general. It’s all so sad. Life sometimes makes me sad. Not because the world is a petrie dish of dysfunction, not because it is not majestic (respectively – it isn’t; it is). Because it is ephemeral, and that just makes me so sad.

And that sadness – it’s not a bad thing.

Lonely is not a relationship status; lonely isn’t crowded or alone. Lonely is the aching for wide open exchange, and no matter how many friends you have or great your love life is or how perfect your job is, lonely is the confusion that sets in when you wonder, when you hold back, or when the external becomes a guise or overcompensation.

And lonely cannot be solved by being social, by going out, by striking up conversation. Lonely is vague. Lonely is living hazily, living in parentheticals and footnotes and swift asides and question marks lined up like window decorations.

Lonely is what happens when you question the way you give.

Lonely is the what-ifs of what’s out there…

I turn off the record and I silence the laundry. I open the windows; it’s so stuffy in here. I watch the weekenders strolling on the streets below, the regulars sitting on the sidewalk asking for spare change. A child waves. I wave back.

Target your love, focus your voice. Spread your wings and embrace the world. Just a simple moment of care and connection – a fleeting one, even. It’s all out there waiting, it’s all out there glowing.

In the depths of your loneliness lie your truest desires: to love and be loved.

Delete your footnotes and erase your parentheses. Own the person who is so uniquely you. Let it fill your heart as you fill the hearts of others.

The opposite of loneliness is reminding someone, “You’re not alone.”

Wave hi.

Wave back.

Give your love somewhere to go.

Lonely’s just love with nowhere to go.


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