The Artist Formerly Known As Me: On Living In Flux.

The Artist Formerly Known As Me: On Living In Flux.

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MY RELATIONSHIP with journaling was very “friends with benefits” for most of my life: oft ignored but always there when I needed it most. Most of the time, I completely ignored my grandmother’s advice to document momentous occasions, as exemplified by the three-line entry about my 13th birthday in my 1999 journal (the third sentence being “I’ll come back to this later”).

Yet when I go back and read my old journals, as sporadically tended to as they were, I realize I honestly have not changed much throughout my lifetime. The slightly crinkled pages are filled with emotion – poetry, questions, lists and pep talks – heart opening and heartbreaking all at once.

And reviews of musicals. So many reviews of musicals.

As young as preschool, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. We learn to identify with a singular profession: a doctor, a singer, a teacher, a lawyer. With all these abstract feelings floating around in our still-developing brains, we are asked to define ourselves based on our hobbies and what sounds right. As we grow into young adults, we’re encouraged to find extracurricular activities that are assumed to match our professional aspirations of choice. We write yearbook messages under the assumption that there will always be next year. We map out our lives in ten-year-plans and envision our friendships as everlasting.

I grew up listening to tape cassettes of Phantom Of The Opera in my car seat. I taught myself how to play the showstopper from Cats on my tiny Casio keyboard in first grade. When I was about twelve years old, I developed a love affair with shows like Rent and Les Miserables, and for the first time in my life I realized I was not like other kids my age. While my peers were attending the latest boy band and girl group concerts, I was marveling at the thespian greats like Colm Wilkinson and Bernadette Peters.

This, I told myself, was not normal.

And so I hid my love for musical theatre in my journals, and later on online message boards (way before it was considered safe or even socially acceptable to develop internet-based friendships [which is kinda funny, as I now have many dear friends and a bone a fide HUSBAND who I met through the interwebs]). 

I was convinced I’d be winning a Tony by age 27, and that the friends of my childhood who were drifting in all different directions would miraculously come back together one day to work through life together. That my first love and I would get married and do the whole picket-fence thing. I was convinced I knew the length of the path.

And then came the growth and expansion of real life. Things became complicated and convoluted: here I was, someone who had defined herself by these external passions and visions for so long, and they no longer felt right. My interests began to broaden and my friend circle began to expand. I developed passions I never knew of and feelings I’d never accessed, and for the first time I realized I was so much more than I’d ever thought I could be.

It begged the question – was nothing up until now valid? The opened doors of the present were liberating but the loyalty to the past was almost paralyzing.

Moving forward is not a death of who you were – it’s a rebirth of who you are. Click To Tweet

Moving past the visions and dreams created by our former selves can feel like losing a lover. The first time I thought that acting might not be the sole career through which I wanted to give myself to the world, my eyes stayed red for days from crying. The first time I realized I was unclear as to whether I wanted children or not, I had a breakdown. The first time I found a soulmate-friend outside my comfort zone of shared upbringing, I felt like I was cheating on my entire past. At the time, it felt like a breakup. At the time, it felt like a loss.

How strange, as each thing that triggered a sense of loss or wrongdoing was actually a door opening and showing me to my true self. Although, come to think of it, I’ve realized that most people get stuck in that space of confusing actualization for accusation…so maybe the fact that it felt so wrong wasn’t as abnormal as I thought…

Our visions and goals are always in flux. One is not better or worse than the other, they’re just different. Hanging onto past goals and ideas of what we “should” do can screw us up in the long run and put self actualization on standby. Who we are in one season in our lives is neither the end-all-be-all nor invalid. It’s a fragment, a small yet important page in the story of who we are meant to be.

It can feel scary to move forward beyond your former self, but there’s no reason to mourn.

Moving forward is not a death of who you were – it’s a rebirth of who you are.

You are more than that thing your former self aspired towards. You are more than the ideas your ten-year plan expressed, you are more than the connections you made long ago. And yet these are a part of you. Each is a path, an integral part of the roadmap that is your life’s purpose. Who are we to say we know what our journey will look like a decade from now or if we’ll feel the same way we do at this point in time? The important thing is to feel deeply and express authentically during every step of the way.

Had I never wanted to act, I would have never learned to perceive the world around me in such great detail with such empathy. Had I never felt so much passion for something so different than my peers, I would have never known what it is to pour my soul onto a page. Had I never envisioned my life the way I thought it would look by now, I would have never met some of the most influential players in my life’s journey. I am still that same girl who wrote musical theatre reviews in her journal and thought her elementary school buddies would be bridesmaids at her wedding.

And yet here I am, no Tony award in sight, surrounded by friends from all stages of life, connected to my past but fully invested in my present. My bridesmaids represented all stages of my life thus far, not just one. I look toward the future not with a predictive eye but an openness to the expansion I know I will experience. I have not broken up with my past visions, I have let them morph and blossom. I have not buried my former self, I have let her come alive into the now.

We cannot possibly know what our story will look like in ten years – or even two. Our passions might shift, our dreams might change shape. Our circles of friendship might evolve and our opinions of what we want will most certainly move with time.

Yet through each season, each shift, each page turn, there is one thing that’s certain: we will be so much more.

 


WANT Yourself:
Do your current passions and visions match the ones you’ve had throughout your life? Have you ever felt scared to embark on a new path, in fear of abandoning your former self – and if so, how did you learn to embrace the path you’re on? Leave a message in the comments – your story might just be what someone else in our community needs to hear.

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WANTcast Episode 022: On Breaking Out Of Your Comfort Zone + Getting Your Voice Heard with Abiola Abrams

WANTcast Episode 022: On Breaking Out Of Your Comfort Zone + Getting Your Voice Heard with Abiola Abrams

the WANTcast

Don't use the fact that someone else has your idea as a reason to hold yourself back from going for it - @abiolaTV Click To Tweet

Seven years ago, I was going through a huge life shift. Or, rather, I was about to go through a huge life shift – I just didn’t know it yet.

I had just moved to Venice Beach, gotten a steady job at one of my favorite fitness studios, finally gotten over a rough breakup, and was starting to feel more like myself than ever. I was starting to realize that maybe the life I’d planned out for myself wasn’t the life I was really supposed to lead…and instead of being scary, that glimmer of a thought was actually starting to feel freeing. Basically, all of my channels were open for change – I just didn’t know what was coming next.

It was also around this time I started running. Every week, I’d lace up my New Balances and drive to the long stretch of grass along Ocean Avenue and just go. I’d call them my thinking runs: the time that was just for me, where I could zone out and tune into what my heart was really saying.

One day before a thinking run, I was looking for a way to tune into the radio show I’d been listening to on my drive over (I miss the car radio in NYC!) and came across these new things called “podcasts.” My first observation? There weren’t a lot of female hosts. Finally, I found one. The Goddess Factory by Abiola AbramsLooked promising. I could get down with goddess talk.

Well, I ended up becoming HOOKED. I found Abiola’s enthusiastic yet no-bs outlook on life just the type of inspiration I needed. It felt like she wasn’t just talking directly TO me, but like she was a friend who was giving me permission to be as passionate, deep, silly, funny, and BIG as I wanted to be. It was just what I needed to catapult me into the next stage of my life, which ultimately, has led me right here. It sounds kinda cheesy to say I couldn’t have done it without her, but honestly – I couldn’t have done it without her.

abiola-abrams

Abiola Abrams is an award-winning author, advice columnist, motivational speaker, and certified life coach who has given her life-changing advice on networks from MTV and BET to the Discovery Channel and the BBC, as well as being a popular advice columnist for Essence and on sites like Match.com. Her book The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love won Best Self-Help Book at the African American Literary Awards. As what she calls the “Midwife for Your Inspired Life,” her online empowerment programs help women to answer and rock their callings, by turning self-love to self-launch. She is the founder of the women’s empowerment blog and web series on SacredBombshell.com and the podcast Spiritpreneur School, aka – yes – The Goddess Factory. (and yes, I know. She’s a master at naming things. Just you wait ’till you listen to the episode)

I LOVE each twist and turn of this conversation, talking everything from what to do when you feel like other people just don’t quite GET what you’re about yet and sticking to your guns when it seems like everyone else is getting ahead, to getting your voice heard even when other people are trying to manipulate it to their liking along the way. We also talk about being an extroverted introvert and getting swept up in the bigness of whatever’s going on around you, and whether you’re super extroverted or incredibly introverted, how to stay grounded AND enthusiastic even when life is demanding a lot of you (especially when things are really good and borderline overwhelming, which are the times that can sometimes throw us off the most if you’re anything like me).

The reward is what counts - the risk is just a path along the way. Click To Tweet

We seriously could have talked for ages – you’ll hear, her energy and genuine enthusiasm are infectious. Make sure you download this one everywhere you listen to podcasts, because you’re gonna wanna go back and re-listen later. I know I will.

WANT Abiola:

Listen in iTunes | Play in new window | Direct download

Show Notes:
Sacredbombshell.com
Gift for WANTcast listeners!
Instagram
Facebook
Twitter
The Goddess Factory
Spiritpreneur School
Say Word! Voices From Hip Hop Theater

When you get knocked off course - which you will - positivity is being appreciative for your journey. - @abiolaTV Click To Tweet

WANT to support the WANTcast? Click over to Amazon via this link, then shop as usual. I will receive a small-but-meaningful kickback, which means we can invest in things like sound editing, new equipment, and more. No extra charge to you. Easy as that!

Like this episode? Shoot me a comment below, leave a review on iTunes, share it on Facebook, tweet it out on Twitter, or post it on Instagram. The more you share, the more Abiola’s message can be heard. Be sure to use the hashtags #WANTcast, #womenagainstnegativetalk, and/or #WANTyourself!

abiola-abrams

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The WANTcast, Episode 013: On Being Who You Truly Are with Jay Pryor

The WANTcast, Episode 013: On Being Who You Truly Are with Jay Pryor

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Jay Pryor is a true force of nature: a life coach, speaker, corporate trainer, and author who inspires people to harness their power to create the lives of their dreams.

He works exclusively with women, and among other reasons, has a great reason why:

He used to be one.

The world is not happening to us. We are happening to the world. - @jaypryorcoach Click To Tweet

Jay was born as a female and transitioned to male in 2001 when he was in his 30s. I knew I needed Jay on the WANTcast the second I heard him speak on personal power, how women hold themselves back, etc – but when I heard his story and mission, I knew I needed to lock it down ASAP. He’s THAT powerful.

You (hopefully) know I don’t play favorites, as I am constantly in awe of the guests on the WANTcast – but honestly, I’ve been telling everyone I know that this podcast is coming up, even the people who don’t normally listen to podcasts – that’s how important I think this episode is.

jay-pryor-quote

In this episode we talk in detail about Jay’s experience transitioning, his reality show stint, and having a need to do more to help a cause without even knowing what that help looks like. We also talk about why Jay chooses to work specifically with women, being “hijacked” and how to get your brain back on track, the huge things holding women back, and so, so much more.

There’s a lot of talk about LGBTQ rights and gender equality right now in our culture. And as Jay and I discuss, no matter how tense the conversation can get sometimes, it’s ultimately that exact tension that will bring about true, lasting change in the long run. This deep conversation with Jay isn’t just about the trans community or gay community – it’s about how each and every one of us can move forward fearlessly into the person we truly are.

This episode took me a while to edit, and not because I edited a lot of it. Just the opposite actually – I barely edited anything. But I found myself transfixed by it and having to go back because I wasn’t in editor mode I was in listener mode. That’s how good Jay is. Get ready, because you’re going to want to listen a few times to soak in all the goodness he has to offer – both to us and to the world.

WANT JAY:

Play in new window | Download | Listen in iTunes | Support the pod by shopping Amazon

Show Notes:
Website
Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
Lean Inside
It Gets Better Project
DCATS
Jay on Dance Moms
I Am Cait segment
Laverne Cox
Stone Butch Blues

North Carolina restroom laws
Kroger being awesome
Daniel Golman’s Emotional Intelligence

Being Boss podcast w/ Jay
WANTyourself: An Afternoon Of Moving Forward Fearlessly – BUY TIX HERE

Be the one who's willing to take a different step in the dance. - @jaypryorcoaching Click To Tweet
Like this episode? Shoot me a comment below, leave a review on iTunes (the more reviews, the more Jay’s awesomeness is spread), share it on Facebook, tweet it out on Twitter, or post it on Instagram. Be sure to use the hashtags #WANTcast, #womenagainstnegativetalk, and/or #WANTyourself!