I am high-strung.
Itโs not that Iโm not easygoing or that Iโm quick to argue โ not in the least. My high-strungness manifestsย in waves…or rather, in jolting earthquakes that eventually rumble themselves out.
My high-strungness comes in the form of Ghost Worries: the fear of whatย mightย happen.
Ghost Worries are anxiety-filled what-ifs that wind their way around my neck and heart if I let them, all but paralyzing me in the moment and preventing me from fully experiencing expansive joy.
My latest Ghost Worry? That in the midst of wedding planning (weโre in the home stretch!), I havenโt been as consistent with my day-to-day WANT work as I usually am โ and that because of that, Iโm letting this big and beautiful thing weโve been building together over the last three years crumble.
Oh sure, my logical brain knows WANT will be fine.
But my high-strung brain flips. the. f. out.
~
The thing about ghost worries is that theyโre usually triggered by something small and seemingly inconsequential to others.ย You felt awkward during a conversation? The ghost worry tells you that theyโll never want to talk to you again. You left the air on when you left the house? The ghost worry tells you your utilities bill will suffer. You forgot to email that person back? The ghost worry tells you they probably hate you by now. You missed an important meeting? The ghost worry tells you youโre fired. Ghost worries are those small, subjective missteps that equal a possible, objective fail.
My ghost worries manifest as an awful flutter (more like electric jolt) in my chest when it seems the impending future will reveal that Iโm doing basically everything wrong.
What Iโve realized over the years is that my Ghost Worries have to do with not living up to expectations.ย Not perfectionism per se, but the result of letting others down. Of not being who others expect me to be.
Growing up, I was an easy target for meaningless teasing โ the kind that people think is funny to do as a sign of love (pigtail-pulling syndrome, anyone?). My familyโs even admitted this to me: Iโm an easy target because I internalize things. Iโm the type of person that people who love to get a rise out of othersโฆlove to get a rise out of. I was teased in middle school for being โperfectโ because I color-coordinated, I was teased at home for being sensitive because Katie-directed sarcasm wasnโt something I found funny. I was told I was clumsy, double-left-footed, irresponsible, and couldnโt handle โnice thingsโ because I didnโt keep my stuff pristine.
Iโm a human mess, and instead of learning to embrace that, I was convinced there was something wrong with me.
My ghost worries became about who I was instead of what I did.
ย ~
If youโre like me, you know that ghost worries feel heavy. Theyย literally feel heavy in your body.ย Theyโre what can make numbing tactics seem so appealing, because if weโre numb we canโt feel the weight build. Emotional eating (or restricting), over-exercising, binge-watching, sleepingย wayย in, biting comments, sharp attitude, isolation, immersionโฆitโs easy to find our own unique brand of numbing when ghost worries are all around.
However, when we numb our Ghost Worries, weโre never actuallyย addressingย them. When we ignore that theyโre there, we also ignore that we can change their effects.
When we ignore that Ghost Worries exist, we also ignore that we can change their effects. Click To Tweet
These Ghost Worries havenโt gone away, and Iโm sure they never will. Theyโre a knee-jerk reaction so engrained in my nerves that not even the finest surgeon could reverse the triggers. But what Iโve learned over time is that itโs not about what triggers me, itโs about how I respond.
Hereโs what I do when I feel a Ghost Worry start to spook me:
I TEMPER MY THOUGHTS.ย Iโve learned to only worry about things I can control in the moment, and leave the rest for later. When it comes to ghost worries, the emotions of the situation are always (okay,ย usually) greater than the reality of the situation. But that doesnโt mean that I ignore the emotions. I never, never, never push my emotional response out of the way. Because to me, when I push my emotions aside, Iโm telling myself my emotions arenโt valid.ย Iโm reinforcing the narrative that Iโm too sensitive or an easy target. I am the perfect amount of sensitive, and my breadth of emotion has given me everything goodย in my life. But what I do is separate the emotion from the situation, not letting them dictate predictions that Iโd have no say in. My ghost-worry predictions always give me no say in the matter. Nope. Feel the emotion, donโt feed it.
I TALK THEM OUT LOUD.ย Iโve learned to lean into my ghost worries, to talk them out with someone I trust who thinks highly of me but sees me as human, not infallible or immune to mistakes. And sometimes, if Iโm alone when the ghost worries arise, Iโll talk them out to myself. Putting words to thoughts is extremely powerful, because fear feeds off ambiguity. The Unknown agitates those of us who are selectively high-strung โ so talking things out to yourself is kind of like soothingย the wound. Even better is when you can talk it out with someone else, because validation that youโre still lovable and worthy takes away the worry that this makes you otherwise.
I ASK: WHAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? Not to freak myself out more, but I always identify the worst thing โ actual thing, not emotion or perception โ that could happen, and how Iโd respond to that (again, actually respond, not emotionally respond).ย Usually when I get that out of the way and realize there would be a game plan even inย thatย scenario, the last horrible piece of The Unknown is removed. Iโve now got as much of a grasp on the situation as I can, not just the parts my mind was selectively making up to spook me into smallness and a scarcity mindset.
Feel the emotion, donโt feed it. Click To Tweet
So, what about me? Well, first off, the fear I was irresponsible and lazyย and unprofessional gradually faded when I realized that only *I * know what goes on behind the scenes โ if I am disappointing anyone right now, itโs probably myself first and foremost. And I can, strangely, deal with that. Talking it out also made me realize thatย my worst-case-scenario is that I flail a little over the next couple weeks, and I get back on track after the wedding. (Seriously Katie? THAT is the worst-case-scenario? Girl, you gotta get some more spooky Ghost Worries.)
More importantly, I felt.ย Hard. Feeling my emotions in the moment allowed me to experience them at their height, then gradually move through them.ย Not fight them โ move THROUGH them. Although it doesnโt change my timeline, feeling everything in the momentย will allow me to be pragmaticย and proactive later on (squashing emotions always makes me reactive later, Iโve found). Also, I am getting married. MARRIED. To the best-for-me person I could ever conjure up. The wedding has a deadline, just like any other project I pour myself into. And then itโs back to real lifeโฆbut better.
And thatโs the thing:
when I confront my Ghost Worries, I remember how lucky I truly am.ย
Because thatโsย what Ghost Worries threaten to do, really: try and convince us weโre not as lucky as we really are.
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